Finding me

My eyes have been opened to certain people's true colors. If you're reading this and you are only reading this because you want to be vindictive and cruel, close out of the page right now. I don't want or need you as a viewer. What I post on my blogs are my personal feelings and if someone feels they are wrong then they can just go fuck off. I don't need or want those kind of people in my life. They claim to be a friend but tell me what a shitty person they think I am and how my "friends" think so too. Again, that's not the kind of friends I want or need. If those "friends" really feel like that then they can tell me directly and unless I hear it from them, I don't believe what the self appointed spokesperson has to say. 

There are many definitions of the word "Friend"

friend

   [frend]  Show IPA

noun

1.

a person attached to another by feelings of affection orpersonal regard.

2.

a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends ofthe Boston Symphony.

3.

a person who is on good terms with another; a person who isnot hostile

The value of friendship is often the result of friends consistently demonstrating the following:

• The tendency to desire what is best for the other
• Sympathy and empathy
• Honesty, even in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth
• Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
• Enjoyment of each other's company
• Trust in one another
• Positive reciprocity — equal give-and-take between the two parties
• The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement.

I honestly believe a true friend is there for you through thick and thin. I haven't had the easiest time adjusting to this way of life and if people can't support me in the tough times as well as enjoy the good then those are not the kind of people I care to associate with. I am not a cruel person. I treat people as I would want to be treated. If someone thinks otherwise, I welcome the conversation to discuss it. I will not however, participate in a witch hunt where I have to defend myself and my character is attacked. I am a 43 yr old mother/grandmother/ wife and have no time for such nonsense. I have no interest in participating in that kind of which hunt. There is a difference in having a friendly, compassionate conversation where you ask a friend if they are OK and maybe if they are struggling, what can you do to help. Saying you are a friend and taking it upon yourself to speak for others while verbally attacking someone is not being a friend.

I was told that I am a Hollywood diva and have to have everything my way and make everything to be about me. Hmm, that person doesn't know me very well because if they did, they would know that I make it a goal to do something for someone else every day, even if it's a small thing. I don't announce it because that's not who I am. I do what I do for the people I care about because I treat people as I want to be treated. If someone doesn't like that then they can suck it.

I know my life isn't going how I want it to right now. I feel like my life and myself is always a work in progress. I don't know what I'm meant to be or do or what my legacy is supposed to be but I do feel like I get closer to figuring it out every day. If seeing people for who they really are and cutting them out of my life along the way is part of that, then so be it. I don't need them. I have always felt I am here for a reason and it is my goal to figure it out. It's like when you see someone on TV and they say to never give up on your dreams. I may not know what my dream is or my purpose but I know it's out there and I'm not going to give up until I find it. In the mean time, I need to get me back. I've been so wrapped up in making sure everyone else is taken care of that I have lost me and my spark. I need to get that back. I just have to figure out how I go about it!