Some blogs are easier to write than others. If  wrote what I really wanted, I'm sure I'd piss off a lot of people. That's the same reason why I'm careful about what I post on my Facebook. So my question is, how do you say how you feel to the people you are supposed to say anything to without making them angry? I have a philosophy which is, I'd rather hear the truth and get upset than be lied too.  I will get over being angry but once I've been lied to, it's hard to recover. Some people are just easier to talk to than others. It's sad when you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around some people. I wish I knew how some people get away with being brutally honest in all aspects of their lives and they still have friends and people respect them. I wish I could be like that. Right now I feel like telling a few people to wake up! They are living in a fantasy and it's only going to get worse, not better if they don't wake up!

End rant

I have come to the conclusion that I am a horrible step mom. Ok, maybe I'm not a horrible step mom but I will admit that since my kids are grown, I'm just not used to little kids. I'm 43 and already set in my ways, lol. I like things a certain way and have very little energy to explain the way I do things and how I want things done. Most things I'd thing would be common sense but there again is where the terrible step mom comes in because my kids are grown and know how to do things for themselves & little kids don't. If I hadn't had my kids when I was young, I doubt that I would have had any at all. 

I can only imagine what my step kids think of me! Woohoo!  I bet they have some pretty sweet nicknames, lol. I know if I was my step mom I would! I don't think I ask much. Just pick up after yourself, show respect to others & other people's property, use manners and appreciate what people do for you. It's the same things I would expect from my own kids. It's especially tough to be a step parent when you only see the kids 1-2 times a year! That's not much time to build a relationship especially since kids grow so fast and their interests change. They need time with their other parent. I never dealt with the whole step parent issue until I became 1. I kinda feel bad for the kids. My kids don't have a step mom but there is someone who has assumed the role and pushed her way in and they don't like it. I will never claim my step kids as my kids. They have a mom and it's not me. I can love them and care for them but I will never try to make them think of me that way. 

It's tough to sit back and not say anything when you see that something should be handled differently. When you know from experience what works and what doesn't. It's a different perspective when they aren't your own biological children because you really can't say much. I will not hesitate to say something when someone will get hurt or hurt someone else or  damage property and I can stop it from happening. I wish I had gotten a manual, step parenting for dummies! I wonder if there is 1......

Writing a blog while I'm on pain meds probably isn't a good idea. I'm always trying to do the right thing and be politically correct all the time that I just don't care right now.  


It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. Becky came home and is struggling with her new school and new life here. Of course that adds to my guilt and feelings of being a selfish parent. I wonder if that will ever go away? I think that is a big part of my problem. Maybe I can't truly be happy because of the guilt I feel for uprooting her from her life and everyone she knows and the only life she knew. I think about it every day and just don't know how to get past it. It's been 3 years and I still feel guilty. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Don't I deserve to be happy? How do I get past this feeling that I sacrificed my kids happiness for my own? I wish I had a sign. 


I also hurt my knee running. Of course with the island way of thinking and their island time of everything moving and working at a snails pace, I still don't know what's wrong with it. I do know it hurts and I'm so tired of sitting around and not being able to enjoy anything! I want to run again. I need to lose about 20 lbs and this isn't helping! When I'm sitting around feeling fat and sorry for myself, I think of all the things I could be doing. I see my "friends" posts of the things that they are doing and the fun they are having and I think to myself, none of those people have yet to ask me to hang out. I haven't had a single evening out with girlfriends. My phone rarely rings and I rarely get texts. I know how Becky feels. It sucks being the new girl. I need to get a job, lose weight, make a few friends, get a plan for what I want for my life but I need to fix my knee 1st!  Wow am I pathetic! https://www.facebook.com/janet.smithhamel?ref=tn_tnmn

I like to think of every day as a fresh start. A day for a new experience or to learn something new. It seems as though I've done a lot of that lately. I wish some of those lessons didn't suck. I am really trying to get myself back in shape so I started running again. That didn't last long because I hurt my knee. I was just finding my pace and learning to control my breathing and now this! It seems like every time I start to think of myself then bam, everyone else's issues and needs are more important.  I feel like I'm made to feel guilty for thinking about myself first once in a while. 


I treat people as I want to be treated and that is the same philosophy I have when I do something. Do it right the 1st time and you won't have to do it again. Don't do things half assed and do the same quality work for others as you would yourself! I don't ask of others what I'm not willing to do myself. 


I know I'm getting old and set in my ways but is it wrong to like things done a certain way? Yes, I am particular when it comes to thing like loading the dishwasher but that's only because I have learned from experience and trial and error that it works best when done a certain way. I'm not being a control freak and I don't like hearing myself repeat shit 50 gazillion times! 


I'm just feeling like the black sheep lately. I need a job to get out of the house and feel like I have a purpose in life again instead of just being everyone's maid. My hope is to get a job 3-4 days or nights a week and have the others in the family pick up the slack. Yep, I know I'm dreaming but without a dream there is no hope!!

So I have a couple things on my mind. 1st is that we just got back from my plastic surgery consult.  The Dr. said I don't have enough skin for a full tummy tuck but he could do a mini. The problem with a mini is that he's not sure if my belly button will be in the right place and the incision will be higher and therefor visible. Oh and it's about $5,500 which I'd have to pay up front.  GAHHH! I wish it would have been better news because my flabby tummy has always made me so self conscious. I can't stand it!! Now not only do I have to lose 20-30 lbs to be at my ideal weight for my height but I will always have this fucked up stomach!! My kids have no idea what they put my body through!! I have always put my kids 1st in everything but when I think of something for myself, I feel guilty! I think about braces, legal fees, 2nd. car. and all the other crap and none of it is directly for me. Is it so wrong to ask for something for me and just me? 

My next issue that is plaguing me is when people as questions but don't really want to know the answer. They are just asking it to be polite like when someone says "Hi, how are you?" I don't consider that simply a greeting but an actual question. I've always been a very black and white person. I am also a very honest person. If you ask me a question, I will tell you like it is. That has gotten me in to trouble on quite a few occasions. If you don't really want to know then don't ask because you may not like the answer. Oh, and if you don't like the answer, that's kinda your own fault cuz you asked!

I guess there is 1 other thing that I've been thinking about and that's procrastinating. I have been guilty of this in the past but I think I've gotten much better about it. When I see others doing it though it drives me nuts especially when it's something that I know is going to be worse if ignored and it's going to directly affect me!! In that case, it basically becomes my problem and I have to figure it out when the problem could have been avoided or minimized if dealt with immediately!

I swear the next blog will be something positive! I promise!! :)

I started to write about the difference in men's and women's brains and then I read this and had to switch gears!! This is a quote from my daughter's boyfriend. He is a leach who has no job and contributes nothing constructive to their relationship. He has wormed his way in and expects Ashley to provide for him on the minimal salary she makes, which takes away from what she could be providing for her child.  He babysit's my granddaughter but I personally don't trust him and wouldn't let him watch my dog. I think about him and my blood boils and I immediately feel sick. Here is his latest rant about me....

I've always been liked by my girlfriends' mothers... But this one: NOPE! And for no reason at all.. Shouldnt've expected much from a money grubbin, child-controlling, everything'sgottabemywayorelseI'mnothappy, succubus.. Oh well. Couldn't be helped.  Everything happens for a reason though. I'm not here for that judgmental little lady. I'm here for Ashiie Niicole 

Now it has become a war. I'm not asking to be chosen over someone who she is in a relationship with but for her to make wiser choices about who she chooses to have relationships with! Since this, I am not forever cut out of her and my granddaughters life.  I have been called immature, bipolar, crazy, nuts, psycho and of course bitch. Wow! If I would have ever spoken to my mother that way, you can bet I'd be missing teeth!! I don't care how old someone is, that is just not acceptable!

So once again, she expects me to bow down and kiss her ass and ya know, I just won't do it. I won't be bullied by my own child!! I'm sick of it! I'm going to have enough to deal with when Becky gets back tomorrow. New house, bad attitude are going to suck! I've been told she is dreading coming. Who wouldn't LOVE to live here? Oh ya, that's right! A moody teenage girl that has to live by rules and be a responsible, respectful person or deal with the consequences!! My bad! All I can do is pray for the best. Some things are out of my hands and I keep reminding myself, We are only in control of our reactions to other people's actions" and we teach people how to treat us. I wish I would have learned the latter sooner in life. maybe then some people wouldn't think it was ok to treat me like shit and walk all over me!

On a good note, because I'm trying to calm down and not get worked up even more, today is my sweetie's birthday!! Right now he's busy playing his new Madden X Box game. I think I might take the dog for a walk before I sweep and wash the floors. We get the area rug and wine rack tomorrow so I want it ready to go! So excited about that!! 

I haven't written a new blog in a while since I've been a little busy :) We finally moved into our house!! I love it, except our neighbors who don't pick up their (2) dog's poop and get upset when we report them. Oh well. I shouldn't have to live with that smell and all the flies! We have spent a lot of $ to have nice things and I would like to enjoy them!!

Then we have the results of staying in a hotel for 60 days! I gained about 15 lbs!! OMG! That may not seem like a lot but it is when I have nothing that fits now and I refuse to buy new bigger clothes!! I can't stand it!! I worked so hard to get the lbs before we moved so I know it can be done. Now I just have to do it!!

Back to the house! I had everything unpacked with in 24 hours!! Today I got pictures hung and also curtains in the living room. Now we just need to pick up the area rug for the living room and the wine rack for the kitchen and then the downstairs will be done!! (I need to also get rid of the boxes!) Our new mattresses will be delivered on the 18th. so it will be so nice to sleep in our new bed!! I think once we have that done and I have curtains hung, it will really feel like home.

On 1 last positive note. The cat has made amazing progress!! I never thought she would. Maybe it was all the time in the hotel but whatever it was, I am so glad!! She hasn't hissed at the dog and even walks right by her without hesitation!! I spent many nights worried about her and prayed we could all live together peacefully! Next week is another big week and that makes me so happy. 

It's so nice to say that we are in a good place. I am enjoying it and l'm looking forward to getting settled in our house and finding a new job/career. I see very good things in our future!!