My Random Christmas thoughts

First person awake so I’m sitting here in the quiet, looking at the tree and lights and thinking about how times have changed. People have changed. Priorities have changed. Gone are the days when a husband and wife were married, made a home, had babies and raised them together as a family. Then the kids grew up and moved away but stayed in touch and dropped in even without calling. The holidays were spent together as a family with cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents. These days people are too busy or have to “see if something comes up” or if they have time. When I was a kid, we just did it! I had no idea what a step parent was or had any clue when my parents were arguing let alone hear them talk bad about the other to us or in front of us. I was lucky in that regard. I miss those days and wish somehow, a little of that family could be put back into our lives. Maybe I’m a rare bread (I know I am) but when we moved back to Ohio and built our home, I was planning on family dinners, people popping in and lots of wonderful memories. Unfortunately that hasn’t happened. We have gotten older, the unexpected happens and you make the best of it. Even at 50 years old (which still hasn’t sunk in yet) my heart looks forward to Christmas parties with loved ones and friends and Christmas morning presents under the tree. I will pray each year for at least 1 Christmas like that. My kids, grand babies, cousins, aunts and uncles, all together, all laughing and telling stories of Christmas past. I know my dad (who everyone loved) would have loved it. We only get a limited number of holiday seasons so make this year the best ever! 

Oh and btw, if you’re offended by words I’ve used (Christmas and so on) tuff shit! It’s my blog and you clicked on it. Don’t like it, then close out and have a good day! It’s just that easy!

We all have demons, even "celebrities".

It happens...it's sad. Every single person I've met in my life has problems. We handle them differently. Some people bitch and moan, some drink, smoke, do drugs. Some go to a counselor. There is not a generic cure or answer for everyone. Some people deal better than others but no one, I mean no one has it together 24/7. Some people fake it better than others and those people are usually the "strong" ones. The people who seem to be the most "together or with it or in control". That's how I have been described all my life. I've been the "good one". Compared to my brothers, HELL YA I'm the good one lol. (we will save that for another post). I'm lucky, blessed, whatever you want to call it. I have an amazing husband and a handful of people that care about me. People that call or text to check on me and I can call for help at a moments notice. 

With that being said, I have been doing a lot of thinking today about the 2 recent "celebrity" suicides. From the outside, they looked like they had everything. Sometimes everything isn't everything. Everything is relative and looks different to different people. It's all perspective. Not many people know a little fact about me. It's not a secret because I don't have a problem talking about it, I just choose not to. I tried to commit suicide when I was 17. I thought that was my only option. When I look back, I shake my head and think how stupid I was. I remember it so clearly. Taking a handful of my dads heart meds, going into school, feeling my heart start to race, telling a classmate what I had done and then she told a teacher who called an ambulance. The ride to the hospital and them giving me charcoal to puke. The worst part of it all was seeing my dad cry as he stood next to me. Before I had taken those pills, I only thought of myself. Selfish. That's what I was. 

I am so thankful every day for my life, even if it isn't on the beach in HI (haha). All the bullshit, nonsense and stupid crap. I look at my phone and the pictures or the Facebook page that sometimes makes me crazy. My kids wouldn't be here, so many things. I'm at the point in my life that the thought of death scares the shit out of me. Just knowing I won't be around to kiss my husband or hold my babies or watch my dogs run around the yard or feel sand between my toes...yes, the list goes on and on. I don't have it all together. I get lonely when I'm home alone all week. I am so glad for those few people that call and text to check on me or ask to hang out. (thanks guys)

Life is tough and if someone tries to tell you otherwise, ask what their secret is. People say don't sweat the small stuff, that's true. I say the small stuff is what we need to cherish as much as the big stuff. I wish all the people that don't feel their will be a better tomorrow could see a peak at what it could be. I'm living, breathing proof that it can be so much better.

Struggling with the "F" word

I've really been struggling lately with the "F" word....Faith. It's rapidly waining. People have made promises but few follow through. Giving people too much credit, being gullible, giving too many chances, yep, I'm guilty. I guess I was raised to believe your word is your bond. 

your word is your bond. old-fashioned or formal. If some one's word is their bond, they always keep a promise: "But listen, you have to promise never to tell anyone." "My word is my bond."

I am really struggling with turning 50 this year, more than any other. I wish all the people that say "It's only a number" had a clue of what that saying means to me. I have outlived my dad, and that alone shakes me. I feel like I'm in a huge race to do and see and experience as much as possible but I'm hitting roadblocks and obstacles wherever I go. I wish I didn't care, but I do.  I know I'm a strong person but even strong people have their breaking point. I'm trying control and filter what I post on social media..I guess I'll just keep chugging away at the book I've been writing.  I pray so hard that some people in it get their shit together sooner rather than later or this book will keep getting longer and longer! (you know who you are)