Wishin they could fill my shoes!

I'm really really trying to stay positive and not let people or certain situations bring me down. My family and real friends know who I am so there is no problem there. My problem is when I see someone impersonating me! Someone trying to act like a mom to my kids and grandmother to my beautiful grand daughter! I've had 3 kids- 
Ashley Nicole Kaspar DOB 3-2-90  8# 14oz 
Jordan Douglas Kaspar DOB  8-7-92  9# 2oz
Rebecca Lee Kaspar  DOB 3-27-96  8#6 oz

(I have the scars and stretch marks to prove it!)

Isabelle Marie Rose Kaspar is the daughter of my oldest child and therefore a part of me! I don't get to see them as much as I'd like but that's not unusual, especially in a military family. It doesn't mean that I don't miss them like hell or love them any less. I just resent when someone barges their way in and tries to act like they are entitled to the privileges I have earned as a mom/grandma. My family means everything to me and just because I'm not physically with them doesn't mean I've vacated my position! Nobody will ever love them like their momma no matter how hard they try! (and they will never love anyone like they do their momma either!) I may also not be married to their father anymore and we may not agree on many things but 1 thing that will never change is our love for our kids. The bond with my children can never be broken. My blood runs through their veins and they will always be a part of my life. I will always be proud to be their mom, no matter where our lives take us. No amount of weaseling to try to fit in can change that. I love my kids and I'm proud to be called their mom/grandma because I earned it! 

A little something about me

I'd like to think I grew up in your average family. I had a dad who worked hard at his job at Chevy. He had his priorities straight which were supporting his family first. My mom stayed home and took care of us kids and the house. There were 4 kids, 2 boys, a girl (me) and another boy. We had a nice house, cars and all the normal things in a middle class American home. My parent didn't drink, they rarely fought especially not in front of us kids, we got spanked and were taught  by example right from wrong. I'd like to think I am who I am today mostly to them. I am proud of how I was raised and wish more kids could grow up in the kind of family I did. The 3 boys I mentioned earlier? Well, they must have been adopted or dropped off by aliens because they are nothing like me or my parents. Lets just say I'm embarrassed to say we are related. They have none of the qualities or values our parents worked so hard to instill in each of us. 

My dads been gone for years. Today would actually be his 70th. birthday. Crazy to imagine! He will forever be frozen in my memories as my 47 year old daddy. I just know things would be so different if he was still with us today. My brothers wouldn't have leached off my mom like they have. Mom wouldn't be the heartbroken shell of a woman that she is today. Oh what I'd give if he could've seen his grandchildren/great grandchild!  I was lucky even if I only had him for half my life. 

Happy birthday daddy. I still love and miss you dearly

Love, 
Your little girl

Wake up and see what's right in front of you!

This time of year always gets me sentimental of years and people in my past. My family and friends that are gone or living somewhere else. I feel like I have lived so many lives so far. I went from my parents house, then I was married to Doug, then we got divorced then I was on my own now I am married to Rick and living in paradise. The ink on the divorce papers has been dry for 6 years and I have moved on and I'm pretty happy with my life. I do miss people from that chapter but that chapter is closed. Some people have a hard time moving on and letting go. I have learned to appreciate the people in my life right here, right now. The people I miss will be there when I get back. Those relationships are strong enough for me not to worry about. I am having a hard time understanding how someone could be supportive and do everything for another person and they just don't see it. They are so focused on what they don't have that what's right in front of them is taken for granted. It's better to appreciate what you have than feel sad about what you don't. Things change in the blink of an eye, usually when your least expecting it. I understand we all want what we don't have but a lot of the times when we get it, it's not usually what we expected. Don't take anything for granted because time goes by too quickly and you can't get it back.

Always my best

I do my best in all that I do. No matter what it is and who it's for. I realize everyone isn't like that, which is fine. I realize I tend to go overboard at times which I don't intend to do, it just happens. I don't think that's always a bad thing. Someone recently told me that people don't do unselfish things for people. There is always an ulterior motive, making ourselves feel good for doing it. I was quite taken aback by this and it's been stuck in the back of my mind. Is it true? I certainly didn't cradle my neighbors sweet puppy as it died from getting hit by a car for my own selfish feel good moment. I just did it like a lot of other things I just do.

Memories, past and future

It seems like a lot of people I know have passed away lately. My heart aches for each life they all touched. It makes me think of my mom and gram and dad and even my own life. We have all touched other people's lives, even if in some small way. Our families know us best. They know how to push our buttons and know how to love us unconditionally. It makes me sad when people don't realize this or look at the big picture. We are only here for a short while and people don't usually think about that unless they are at a funeral or hear of someones passing. Make as many wonderful memories as you can while you can. I'm 44 and feel like I need to start cramming as many memories as I can into the rest of my life. I don't want to live with the coulda, woulda, shoulda, lingering on my mind. There are a few people I'd love to slap upside the head or give a good shaking to until they see the light. (family included) Not everything needs to be a battle. Not everyone is the bad guy or out to get you. Take a breath! Look around! Take a mental picture of all that is good in your life! We all have struggles and issues but by taking that step back and seeing the good in things in life, we are not ignoring the problems but possibly seeing them in a better lite. I have things in my life that I have no control over, that have hurt me deeply but it will not define who I am but it definitely has an impact on decisions I make. Some things still hurt more than others. I have chosen to let some things go and let those wounds heal while others aren't as easy. I like to think that I've always been the bigger person by letting things go. I guess I'm not big enough for some things and don't know if I ever will be. I do know that the here and now is what I'm focusing on. The people who know me, family & friends and all the little memories we have made. I am looking forward to making many more! Aloha!

Less is more

Responsible parents teach their children skills to flourish as adults. I believe those skills include such things as showing appreciation, doing selfless random acts of kindness, not acting entitled. At a certain age, kids either get it or they don't and no amount of good parenting can change that. We set our children up for success and if they utilize the positive lessons they have been taught, they will succeed and if not, we can't beat ourselves up for it. I don't know any parent that doesn't want better for their children than they had. I certainly know I do!  The problem then becomes, when have we done enough and when have we done too much? I think the latter is when you see signs of ungratefulness and entitlement. I remember when I was 16 and all the weekends I spent babysitting to save $. I wanted Jordach and Gloria Vanderbilt jeans but there was no way my parents were going to buy them. So, I had to save my $ and buy them myself. They took us clothes shopping 1-2 times a year and none in between. If we wanted something other than those times, that was up to us to figure out how we could buy it. That's just how it was and I think I'm a better person for it! I think I need to get back to that. Maybe I appreciated things more because there was less to appreciate so that made it all the more valuable. 

I remember 1 Christmas in particular. My brother Joe went snooping for our Christmas gifts. He found them stashed in my parents closet. He called me upstairs (I never went upstairs and wasn't allowed since it was my parents bedroom and brothers up there) and showed me 1 present which had a note on it that said "to Janet but you must share with Joe"! It was my very own stereo! It had a turntable and 2 cassette decks! I was so excited even if I had to share! (I never did though ;). Now I'm 44 and I still remember that Christmas when I was 13! Ya know why? Because that's just how much I appreciated it! I think it gives a whole new meaning to "less is more". 

So I think this year will be a sparse Christmas. I think we will be doing something different as in doing something for someone else. A random act if kindness. Isn't that what the season is all about anyway? Maybe that will be remembered more because I doubt a pair of jeans or shoes would be as memorable. 

A few things on my mind

It's been a while since my last blog. I've thought about writing a few but deleted them. I was confronted about 1 of my posts and asked how could I say what I did and people would know who I was talking about and it made them look bad. Um excuse me but unless that person goes around talking about the certain situation then nobody would know because I know for damned sure I don't tell anyone my business. There isn't anyone that I can really wholeheartedly trust or that sincerely wants to know or cares.  My blog is for me and my feelings and if someone doesn't like it then maybe it's their own guilty conscience they are really worried about. 

So now the real blog begins. 

I have a cold and I'm a big baby!

I need a job- for oh so many reasons! (Biting tongue)

I've never been this fat when I wasn't pregnant. Time to starve. Please no grief. It won't last long because I like food too much. 

People without cellulite aren't normal. 

Waiting for the karma bus, my list is getting longer!

Have I mentioned that I have a cold and I'm a baby?

I want to rant and vent. I hope the sores on my tongue heal from me biting it!

Randomness and ramblings

Maybe it's the drugs or maybe it's my advancing age or a combination of the 2 but a few random thoughts-

The term Army wife, I'm not married to the Army, I'm married to Rick Hamel

The person who made up "open door policy" should have been more specific!

I love living in Hawaii

True friendship is priceless

I'm trying to learn something new or do a random act of kindness every day 

There isn't enough laughter in the world

I feel like something big is meant to happen in my life

Everyday is a day to be thankful and if you are reading this, I am am thankful for you!

Being a mom is the most important job in the word. 

3 sets of blue eyes telling me they love me makes my heart whole. (I miss it)

Memories-good and not so 

I am blessed even when I don't see it  (which is part of the reason for my blog, a reminder of all my blessings:)

Don't say it if you don't mean it and don't expect more from others than you are willing to do yourself. Follow through even when you get bored or lose interest. Step back and try to see a situation from someone else's viewpoint. Just because something isn't convenient
 for you, doesn't make it ok to back out. Doing something for someone else and getting nothing in return can be one of the most gratifying feelings in the world. Be the kind of person to someone else and treat them as you would want to be treated. The world would be a much nicer place to be.

Glad that's done!

So I had my surgery and the dr said everything went well! I'm so glad. I hope everything works the way he expects because it sure would be nice to not have my period for 5 years!  Right now I just need to rest which I'm not so good at and let my body heal! I didn't realize but I have about 4-5 little incisions and a few other marks that look like punctures. I've only taken a few doses of the oxycodone but I think I've already built a tolerance because it hasn't done squat! Oh and to top it off, how in the hell did I gain 5 lbs in 1 day when all I had to eat was water and a few crackers (that I threw up?) Makes no sense! I'm going to sit back and try to do nothing tomorrow because next week is Thanksgiving and I need to get on the ball! I will say that Rick and Becky have really stepped up and done a great job taking care of me. I love to see them doing things together and it's nice that they can work together and do things around the house that need to get done. It really means so much to me. I'm trying my best to be positive and count my blessings every day and weed out the negative. My circle may be small but I'm learning who are my real, honest friends that I can count on. Most of all, how blessed I am to be married to my best friend. 

44=?

So I just had my birthday yesterday, dare I say 44! Oh Lord that looks as old as it sounds! Most of the day was tied to the Internet waiting for news of a special arrival! Even though the flight was 3 hours late, I'm just so glad my soldier made it home. I am so proud of him!

Wow, I just can't get over that number 44! Is this going to be my year of discoveries? I recently discovered I have a friend that was right under my nose all along and didn't realize it. She was the only person that showed up for my birthday and brought me dinner. She said tonight when I asked her for a ride tomorrow, "you would do it for me, that's what we do for each other". It brought a tear to my eye because as many times as I've said that and done it for others, no one has said it back to me (and meant it!). So thank you my friend C.C! 

Now is when I start getting nervous. Everyone who knows me, knows that I'm a bit of a control freak. I like to know what's going on, I like things to be done a certain way (that's because it's what works best for me) and I need to be in control! (Did I already say that?) it's weird because certain things don't bother me at all, like flying in a plane. I have zero control but that doesn't phase me. Now loading the dishwasher or making the bed have to be done my way! It's just how I am (not necessarily a bad thing). Well I'm having a few procedures done at the hospital tomorrow and they will be done under general anesthia. That makes me more nervous than what they are doing or will find because of my control issue! Yep! I'm nuts. I've heard your 40's does that to ya! lol (the dr is doing some girly stuff, and exploritory and more girly stuff). No hiking for a bit but hopefully I can park my butt in a chair in the sand! 

Year 44 has just begun and look what it's already brought me:). I can't wait to find out what else is on the itinerary! Aloha!

It's always something

I'll be honest. Today was rough. My best friend is not home but that's fine, he's doing what he loves and I love him more for it.  My real problem is when people say they will do something then just flat out don't! I'm so sick of it and done. I deleted about 26 people from my Facebook list today because I truly believe that actions speak louder than words and I don't want any of those fake ass itches knowing my business. I guess the 40's is when we get real. 44 is coming Wednesday an that's smack dab in the middle of it! The worst part is I  have realized that I really can only count on my husband and that sucks when he's not here! I guess I'll take a bus on Friday. At least they have a schedule and are dependable. I've managed worse before. I just refuse to get sucked into the drama wives, bullshit,  where it's all for show and the who's who club. I'm better than that and they can all just shove it. A day alone on the beach is still better than spending a moment with a fake, condescending,hypocrite who doesn't really give a rats ass about anyone other than themselves. End

We all have a past

Our live consist of many chapters. Some happy, some sad and some more exciting than others. They all are edited together to form the story which is our lives. I'm getting ready to begin my 44th chapter but there are things from previous chapters that I just can't get past! My 2 older kids are the part I can't let go of. I just don't understand how 1 parent could turn children against the other with such vicious lies! I have missed so many years and memories because of lies that where told about me and it continues. That time can't be made up, the memories can never be recreated and the tears cannot be unshed. I've always tried to foster and encourage a good relationship with my children and their other parent but its a shame the same hasn't been reciprocated. Only hatred and jealously and lies which does no one any good accept to make the angry party feel better temporarily.

I have tried to be as tactful as possible but I'm tired of it! We signed papers, he forgot what he agreed to (I got nothing) and so we changed them and now he doesn't like what he agreed to again! Just support your fuckin kid and stop being a fuckin dead beat! You are her father! Take care of your responsibilities! You paid for everything for the other 2 and I took care of becky because I gave up spousal support ,  Now the older 2 are adults and not your responsibility, you agreed to support the last under 18! You wrote the papers now follow through and set a good example! You have a new job so pay me your half of what I paid for her medical expenses. You can't have it both ways! The glasses and braces and dental appointments and clothes and haircuts and cell phone and school expenses including bus fees have all been paid in full by me and her step dad! Support your kid! Be a good roll model. Just do the right thing! I need to close this chapter but can't until he gives me closure!

My brain won't shut off sometimes!

The days are passing quickly since we moved here to paradise. The 1 thing that hasn't changed is the beautiful weather! I can't seem to find enough time to get to the beach as often as I'd like or someone to go with me. My kiddo is tired of it (I know! Crazy) and my hubby is busy with work. Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad he is finally I'm really busy and ill get back with you when I get time" at least that way I don't feel like I'm totally being blown off. That leads to my dilemma. I'm having some girly surgery next week and if Rick is still out of town, who can I ask to pick me up from the hospital? I've been told that I ask for too much so that makes me leery of asking anyone. 

I sent out invites for a birthday party for myself. I don't care if 2 people or 40 people show up. I'm going to have some drinks and try to not think about the fact my BFF wont be there or that I'm getting pathetically old! I've decided that I am going to fight it as much as possible! I refuse to grow old gracefully! Bring on the hair color, Botox, suntan, whatever! Lol hey
! I thought they said the 40s were the new 30s? Well if that's true, I'm only turning 34 so I'm in my prime! LFG! Or shall I say ALOHA!

Do we want it sugar coated, watered down or full flavored?

It seems like people say they want to hear the truth but they really just want a sugar coated, watered down version of it. What's the difference between the truth and a personal opinion? The truth can be sincere without being cruel but it also depends on the intent of the person delivering it. I've had people tell me that they are "telling me the truth for my own good"  wtf is that because where and how I grew up wasn't like that. Being nasty to someone for their own good was just being mean. My problem is I tend to avoid saying anything (believe it or not) because I'm not good at sugar coating things but I don't want to hurt people's feelings.  I think a lot of people feel that way. Communication isn't easy when we are all speaking a different language.  It's sad because I have found myself even censoring  what I say in this blog because I don't want to offend anyone or get into a confrontation with people who may take something I say personally. I started my blog as a kind of therapy. A way to express how I'm feeling. I've been asked to delete parts of my posts because it was too honest and someone didn't like how it made them look. I've gotten nasty emails when a blog hadn't been in reference to anyone in particular. So, if you read this and can't handle the truth, or my opinion on my blog, don't read it. If you want to disagree with me and my opinion, please keep it to yourself because this is my blog, not yours. Get your own blog where you can post your own sugar coated, watered down version of your truth. I promise not to comment or subscribe!

To blog or not to blog??

People write blogs for different reasons. I write mine as a release, an outlet for how I'm feeling. I've had people get mad at me for things I've said in my blogs and insist I delete parts of posts. Of course I did which now I think about it, I'm disappointed in myself for it.  That's like saying what I posted wasn't how I felt and didn't happen. I've cowered and bent for people and given in when I don't want to because I was trying to look out for everyone and in the process, I've disappointed myself. I'm so sick of people's double standards. They can say what they want but I can only say what they want and if I don't then they think I should apologize. NO! I will not anymore. Right now I am so pissed but I'm even leery of saying anything, even on my own blog! Some things are personal and they hurt like hell but its out of my hands. It just breaks my heart that people can act so insensitive and cruel especially when they use what they know will hurt me the most. My heart is so sad that I didn't get to see someone while we are in Ohio. It just makes me realize that it doesn't matter where we live because people know how to hurt each other where it hurts the most. I've been praying for years for a few to see the light and wake up but it hasn't happened yet. Too many years wasted, memories not made and hugs and kisses not given or received. How long do I keep holding on to hope? 

Times sure have changed!

I can't help thinking about how different things were when I was growing up. We were on a need to know basis with our parents. They decided what we needed to know and we didn't question that. There were no conversations about money i.e. bills, pay checks, household expenses or anything at all what so ever about household finances. I had no idea how much my dad made and I still don't. I just know he went to work, got paid on Fridays, went to the bank and put cash in an envelope with the bills on the top shelf in the cupboard with the glasses. I had no idea how much the mortgage was or how much the electricity bill was. When we needed a new washer and dryer, they bought it. I have no idea if they had credit cards or if they paid cash. It wasn't my business. I had a nice home with my own room, clothes and food. My necisssities were taken care of. Kids today act like they have a right to know everything that goes on in their parents house. I disagree. I still believe in the need to know theory. 

Then we get to the respect factor. Maybe I'm just an old fuddy duddy but I believe kids absolutely should respect their parents. We earned it when they were born. I think the idea that parents need to earn their kids respect is a bunch of crap. Maybe part of the respect for my parents came from the fact that there was fear there too. If I did this then my parents would do this and that was enough to scare me into not doing it. If I even rolled my eyes or talked back, SMACK! They sure let me have it. Now kids scream abuse! Now I'm not saying its ok to beat the shit out of your kids but a smack when needed didn't hurt me. I turned out fine and respect my parents more for it. I would have never told my parents or any other adult to shut up or spoken in a disrespectful tone or I would have been eating my own teeth!
(not really eating my teeth but it wouldn't have been pretty!) When I was told to do something or my parents yelled my name because they wanted me for something, I would have never thought to say "why or hang on"! We just didn't do it and we especially didn't question every decision our parents made!

I just wish we could get back some of the old values. Kids did what they were told and when they messed up, there were consequences for their actions. They learned from their mistakes. They appreciated what they had, no matter how little and for the most part, made the best of things. Maybe that sounds a little June Cleaver'ish but maybe if we got back to being real and letting parents and adults do our jobs, kids would turn out a bit different. 

I've always told my kids they had 2 main rules....#1-Be a kid. You're only a kid for a tiny bit so enjoy it and leave the big stuff to us adults, it's our job! #2-communication! Without communication, being a kid is nearly impossible. Tell us what the problem is so we can do our jobs as adults and they can be the kids. They both go together. I don't think you can have 1 without the other. It just sucks when kids feel like they need to grow up too fast and miss out on being a child. I sure wish I could go back to being a kid. 

Reality check

Here I go again.  Thinking too much. Maybe it's my Scorpio nature, I have no idea. No wonder I haven't been able to sleep lately. I have a lot on my mind. Nothing compared to what our Ohio family is going through. As much as I love my life here, it's times like this that I wish I was back there. Just knowing that I could get in the car and be at someone's house in 10-15 minutes instead of 12-15 hours. We may be taking that long trip back soon. I wish it was under better circumstances. Saying goodbye to a love one is never easy but knowing we can be there together as a family to support each other is important. My heart hurts for what they are going through and I wish I could say something to help ease their pain. 

It's times like this that get me thinking about all we take for granted. I have been making some changes in my life, cutting out drama and excess b.s.  My relationship with my husband/BFF gets better and stronger every day. Just when I thought I knew all there was to know about him, he surprises me with something I had no idea about :) As with any relationship, marriage takes work and commitment. Nothing in life worth having comes free. My relationship with my kids is a work in progress. My relationship with friends is a work in progress. There are always bumps in the road but you don't throw away a relationship because of a bump. You fix it. (Both sides).  If not, make sure to always remember everything happens for a reason. 

I've heard from a few parents recently that most military kids that pcs here hate it. That is sad and confusing to me! I understand being upset about leaving friends and family behind but why wouldn't anyone want to try to make the best of it? We live on a beautiful island that most people dream of visiting once in their lifetime! These kids are only asked to make the best of it and appreciate the wonderful opportunities given to them. I can't stand ungrateful, unappreciative, entitled people. Life is too f'n short! This is just a small little blip in the big picture! Life is a precious gift and shouldn't be taken for granted, not a single moment of it! 

My grandma is going to be 93 years old on October 27th! I love my gram dearly. She's a little Hungarian woman. She has dementia but always recognizes my voice when I call. I can't wait to see her. She's lived a long full life and I need to make sure her final days are as peaceful as possible. She deserves that and if that means kickin some asses, I guess that's what I'm going to have to do. Once that's done, I will get back to focusing on me. Get my stuff taken care of, heal up then get a job! 1 day at a time while taking nothing for granted and taking a moment to enjoy the view and smell the flowers. 

Ramblings of the sleep deprived.

Today is 1 of those days when it seems I can do nothing right. Lord knows I try but today just sucks. I try to do right by 1 person and it pisses off another. Why is it the people who act the shittiest and treat others like shit are treated like royal but the people who do right by everyone get treated like shit. People's priorities are so fucked up. I'd love to put all of them on a boat and ship them off to a deserted island where they can all treat each other like shit and leave the rest of us alone! End rant. 

Breathing deeply. I've been thinking a lot about getting my stuff in order. Organizing my life. As much as I don't like to think about it, ya never know. I don't want to leave those I love with a mess to sort through. It wouldn't be fair. I guess my "girly issues & procedure" have gotten me thinking about things I wouldn't normally think about. My dad was 2 yrs older than I am now when he was diagnosed with cancer. I saw what my mom went through and still goes through and it breaks my heart. If anything ever happened to me, I'd want everything in order. My husband and kids shouldn't have to do it. 

My father in law isn't doing well and it breaks my heart to think of it. I hadn't had the chance to know him long but I did learn a few things from him. 1 particularly is that he is always thanking my mother in law for all she does and tells her how much he loves her. He always thanks her for dinner and all the little things. I like that and I like the fact that it rubbed off on my husband. He appreciates all that I do for him and for our family. It's going to be tough until I get a job but I can't until after my surgery. I put in 6 applications today. I hope 1 pans out. It just pisses me off that someone can come in and completely turn our lives upside down. I have to make at least $1,000 a month to make up for the new $900 bill each month. There goes any chance I had of getting a jeep! Oh! Plus the fact that I need about $5,000 in dental work that I've put off doesn't help. Just when I think we are ok, BAM! Something else comes along and takes a big old bite and messes us all up! I just need my dad or someone to smile down on me/ us and help make some of this mess better. I just need a sign it will get better. 

Hate the word hate!

Hate is a word I rarely if ever use. I have said it before but when someone feels that strongly about someone or something, a darkness comes out and kills off a little bit of the goodness in them. I feel like hate=evil. I must be feeling evil right now because that's what I'm feeling. I don't like feeling like that and I think that bothers me as much as I hate the person/situation. There are so many cliches that would apply like what doesn't kill you makes you stronger or there's always a lesson to be learned or what comes around goes around. None of that matters when you feel like you're getting screwed over by someone or a situation that wasn't fair. Why is it there are people who do the right thing and play by the rules but still end up last while others fall into shit and come out smelling like a rose? (another favorite saying) When do you go to the dark side to get what you deserve? I guess for people like me that would be never which goes back to my last blog. I was not raised that way and as much as it sucks and as pissed as I am and would love to punch someone in the face (yeah I'm that pissed) I'm not going to let "those" kind of people control me or who I am or what my parents instilled in me. I have to have faith that karma will get them in the end because without hope and faith, what is there? 

Truth over a lie = good over evil!

Ever since I can remember, I was taught to do the right thing, don't cut corners and always tell the truth. I have lived my life trying my hardest to follow those lessons. Yes sometimes it's easier to cut corners but it ends up costing more time and energy in the long run. If you tell the truth then you don't have to worry about keeping all the lies straight. I just think its sad, no worse than sad but pathetic when people take advantage of others and lie to get their way. Maybe it goes back to how everyone is brought up. The values and moral fortitude instilled at a young age. A persons character is what sets us apart. Do you do the right thing only when you can get credit or when someone is there to see it? I'm the kind of person who will pick up an empty water bottle and put it in the trash even if it's not mine. I just think there is something within a person with a good character and a conscious that sets them apart from the rest. Id like to think that describes me. I'm not out to hurt people or screw people over. I don't think the world has it in for me and is against me. I do my best and sleep well at night and know the people that taught me those values would be proud. Sometimes I feel like people with those characteristics are the good and those without are the evil and we have to let justice prevail. I'm hoping that holds true for us and the truth will be all we need. Here's hoping!

Bring it!

So tomorrow is kind of a big day. We are going to Ricks work beach picnic. Now that alone is cause for alarm on so many levels! 1st, I will be wearing a bathing suit in front of people I actually know, not some random strangers on the beach I will never see again. Next, some of the people that have been there find great pleasure & enjoyment in attempting to make my life miserable. Well, I am proud to say, they can't get to me anymore so don't waste your time. (for those bitches reading this:) I'm better and stronger than that! On 2nd thought, go ahead and try because this Hollywood diva (1 of them said I act like) is going to sit back with my margarita and tunes and laugh while you make yourself look fools! Bring it! LFG!

Every little thing

I honestly believe everything has a meaning. We just need to pay attention to find out what it is. It could be a loved ones tone of their voice or the quality of a friendship. Do they bring something positive to your life? It could be something simple like a hello or a smile from some one passing by or some one who lets you out in traffic or the traffic jam you were stuck in that made you avoid an accident. Yeah....Rick says I think too much, lol. I just don't want to take anything for granted or miss out on any wonderful opportunities that may be hiding right around the corner. 

My good thing today?.....I live in Hawaii and its going to be about 82* today!

Sometimes I wish I was a guy. Hmm, let me count the reasons why! Besides the obvious p'ing while standing, scratching anywhere, any body part at any time, can lose weight easier than women, but a few of the biggest reasons are because they can focus on sports and tune everything else out or just shut off their brain if they want to! That's sooooo not fair! My brain is always going at a gajillion miles an hour and it's not just about 1 thing! I could be thinking about lets say what I'm doing tomorrow. I want to take the dog to the beach so I have to make sure I pack her toys, a towel, bowl for water and a bottle of water, poop bags, then on the way home I want to stop at petsmart and get her claws cut so I need to bring a treat for that and since I'll be right by Walmart, I'll return the broken cup I bought and do I need anything from the store? Oh yeah! Dog food and litter. The cat needs a bath too, what am I making for dinner?.......

Yep! My mind wanders and I don't know how to shut it off! It seems like the more I have on my mind the more it wanders. That probably has to do with my advanced age! About this time every year I start thinking about my age (mind wandering). The older I get, the more depressed/ pissed I get about getting older. It's not like I can lie about my age either! I'm getting to the middle age part where things don't function like they used to. The baby factory has long since been closed and now we have to figure out if those parts are doing what they should be doing or if I even need them any more! I'm not even going to get started on the emotional meltdowns! Oh the joys of middle age! 

Now for my 1 good thing. I made a to do list for around the house(sweep floors, walk dog,water plants, etc), stuff I needed to do this week. When I got home, the list was DONE! That made me feel so much better after my emotional beach meltdown. Now I know they can do stuff, I'm going to ask more often! Thanks honey <3

It's all just words!

I read someone's blog today and it made me think about something. What is the difference between venting, bitching, complaining, just saying, stating the facts, bellyaching, express or whine? Not much really. It's all in the interpretation and what the state of mind of the person doing that interpretation. Some days, when I'm in a shitty mood and nothings going my way, I consider it bitching and others when something just gets stuck in my craw (love that saying!) I just need to vent about it. I don't think there is anything wrong with expressing yourself as long as you don't do it in a slanderous or malicious way that could bring harm to others. As all of (or most) know, my husband is in  the Army. That's what he fights for. The right to say what's on your mind and express yourself. My blog is for me to do that. Not for others to use against me because they are bored with their own lives. It has been "cathartic" as Meredyth put it. It's for me not for anyone else. If you don't care about me then don't read it. It won't hurt my feelings 1 bit. There are very personal things that I just won't post about because it's nobody's business but those specific people I chose to share with. My blog has definitely helped me see myself more clearly. Kinda like the fog clearing. I'm not the same person I was 10, 5 or 2 years ago, hell, not even 4 months ago. I am changing every day and every day I find something else I like about myself or something that I need to work on. Looking at the big picture, life is good. When you pick it apart, there is a lot of work to be done and this blog helps me keep that work straight. 

When I was doing training, I learned that when you train someone, you should always follow a critisism with a compliment or a positive. My positive today is that I am so happy to be sitting in the living room with the dog at me feet and watch the cat walk right by her. That is exactly what I mean about my life changing and that part is definitely for the better!! I never thought they'd get along!! Even if the rest of the day goes down the shitter, I will smile and think of them :)

I've been a busy girl!

I'm staying really busy lately and it's paid off! The house looks nice and my car is clean! That's 1 thing about me, when I do something I do it all the way, I don't do things half assed. Call it OCD, I call it detail oriented :) I just feel like if you're going to take time to do something do it right, all the way and take pride in what you do. I hope that's rubbed off onto my kids. Maybe it's excessive but when I do things a certain way, it's for a reason which is usually because it's the best way and the way I know works (there is usually logic involved). I know it drives people crazy but hey, it's who I am :)  I swear I will get to the dressers this weekend! I have to because I'm tired of having no dresser!! Well at least I will get to them after my Dr. apt at Tripler and our beach day! I'm feeling the need for some sand between my toes!! Here's hoping we can make it a family day!! We need it!!

Where does the time go?

So I'm sitting in bed doing my nails and I thought, when was the last time I did my nails? It's been at least since we were in Missouri and that was in May! Where has time gone! I was also thinking about 1 year ago, Becky had her teeth pulled to get her braces put on. A whole year! She is going to have a great smile (kinda jealous!)  so with the crazy way my mind works, one thought leads to another , which apparently isn't abnormal with women because our brains are wired that way :) haha. I have been apart from my ex for 7 years! Summer is pretty much over but lucky for us we can still hit the beach! I don't want it to be a pcs of why didn't I do this or that while I had the time? Life gets in the way of all our good intentions! This week was a prime example. I had every intention to work on our dressers but other stuff came up! I had an ultra sound on my girly parts (NOT PREGGO!) lol went to a pinterest party, got a new stove delivered, Becky had an orthodontist apt. (touchy subject$ waiting for someone to pay their half!) and I had to take the car to get tires rotated then go to post office and then came home and was beat so I took a nap, dinner, walked the dog and trip to PX. Yep, tomorrow is a beach day, even for a few hours. Time is just getting away from me and the way I look at it, the dressers will still be here for a rainy day :) plus I'm getting some great ideas from pinterest!

Every life is precious even when we don't feel it

So a young girls life was cut way to short. I didn't know her but she was from my home town. She walked the same halls of the same school I did. From what I read, she was bullied so fm all that, I feel a connection. My heart truly breaks for her family and friends as they manage to cope with this tragic loss. All life has value and when a person questions their value, it is the rest of our responsibilities to help them see what it is. Campassion shouldn't be a lost characteristic. It should be 2nd nature. For a child to feel like taking their own life is the only solution to their problem is a tragedy in itself. So much potential. So much life left to be lived and lives to be touched. Like I said, I can relate and my heart is aching for her and those affected. RIP sweet girl.

So I have been doing a lot of self evaluating lately. One of the things I was thinking about is my Facebook. I didn't realize that I have over 400 "friends" on my list. How many of them are actually friends and how many are acquaintances? How many could I call if I was in a bind and know that I could count on them? I think Facebook is a person giving a list of people permission to stalk them. If someone can't return a call or ask how I'm doing then I really don't want them to know what's going on in my personal life. It's time I adjust that list a bit more too. 

I've heard a lot of people say that your 40's are a time where you accept yourself and don't care what others think. They have also said that they are their best and most comfortable with who they are in their 40's. Well, I'm getting there. Maybe this is my selfish time to get me back. I started that by going for a run today. I actually like running and my knee felt better so that helped. I just wish I could control my breathing! I'm going to try to run every other day and use my bike or the elliptical when I'm not running. My goal is 25 lbs gone by my birthday! November 14th. I think that's realistic. I need to do this for me. When I don't like how I look, I am miserable! So, once again, I am going to do something about that!! Look out world, I'm making my way back!!  LFG!!!

I'm the kind of person that wants to make everything better for everyone I love or care about.  Not many people understand that or appreciate it. It's who I am and over the past few weeks I have come to realize I really like that part of myself. As a matter of fact, I really like who I am. I can be enthusiastic, energetic, and passionate but I'm also a loyal and caring friend. I have values which I stick to and if  my character rubs someone the wrong way, that's their problem, not mine.  I try to avoid conflict and confrontation when possible but I'm learning to standup for what I believe. I'm reminded of a girl that used to pick on me in 5th. grade. She was so mean! I used to walk home from school and she used to follow me home and push me down in the mud or snow. I used to cry and ask God why she was so mean to me. Now I realize she did it to make herself feel like a bigger, stronger person. Well I know I didn't do anything then and was basically the same person back then that I am now. There will always be that 1 person trying to push me down in the mud or snow. I can't control them but I can control  who I am after. My husband made a good point. He said, don't change who you are, it makes you special and I love who you are. Well guess what?! So do I. S all those people who may not understand me or dislike something about me, tuff shit. I'm a good person and I like me and that's all that matters!

Ps. I used to do something with my kids everyday that I called 1 good thing. Today my 1 good thing was, my Beckaboo made cookies and she's going to wash the dishes from dinner :) hint hint ;)

Emotional dreamer.....

I talked to a dear friend who I miss very much today. She told me a story of a family she knows. The father and son went camping and the father fell 300 feet down a cliff/mountain where he layed injured while his 9 year old son searched 2 miles for help. They returned and the father had died.  While listening to her tell the story,no couldn't help but cry. I've never met this family, hadn't heard of them and didn't hear of the story on the news but it still made me cry and touched me. I said before that I think I've gotten more emotional as I've gotten older. It's been a few hours since my friend told me the story and I still keep gettin teary. Every life has meaning and value. What that value is is what we make of it and it is no one else's  right to tell us what they think it should be.

Becky started her new job today, yep, I cried. My baby is growing up and I am so proud of her but at the same time it makes me sad. I have always told my kids their 2 rules are, 1- be a kid, 2- communicate. They are only a kid for a little while so enjoy it and communicate so if there is a problem and they can't figure it out, tell me so I can and they can enjoy being a kid as long as possible. Well Becky came home after work and said exactly what I thought she would "I'm beat!" poor kid, and that's what she still is! I think after just 1 shift, she sees a little of what I meant by the 2 rules. It's just too bad that it might be too late.

Now comes me, I'm setting goals, which I'm fantastic at doing. It's just getting motivated to start them and see it through that I suck at! Give me something to plan or organize, bam! You got it! But have me do something for me, not so much. My 2 major goals, get a job (career) and 2, tone, tighten and get in shape while losing 20-25 lbs.  it would be for me, no one else.  The only other time I have been this size, I was preggo and I'm definitely not now! (snip snip) I just can't take it anymore and I'm sick of hearing myself bitch but don't know how to get myself motivated again! I miss Meaghan, my work out buddy!  I'm glad my knee is better but don't want to hurt it again either. I wish I could afford a personal trainer that could make me a diet plan, meal by meal and an exact daily workout plan so I could see immediate results. Yep, I'm a dreamer.......in my dream, I'm a perfect size 4, toned, tan, loving my career.........hey! It's my dream so I can make it however I want :)

Negative Nellies can........

I started my blog as a way to express myself without being judged. Wow was I kidding myself so basically I'm damned for what I say and bummed for not saying what I want. I'm at the point now where if you read my blog and don't like something I have to say, that's your problem not mine.  I'm so tired of people thinking I should be a certain way and if I don't conform by my actions or words then I am some kind of evil monster. So from now on, if you don't like it, fuck you. You don't have to read it. Nobody is forcing you and if you read it to find something to talk about because you don't have a life of your own, you are pathetic. I know I am a good person with a good heart. I've been told that I come across a bit strong at times, well tuff shit. It's who I am and if I'm not hurting anyone or myself, why should it matter.  It kinda goes back to a few blogs ago when  I talked about double standards. I have a dear friend who is a kind hearted, loving, fun, vivacious woman. She is very free spirited and goes with the flow. Makes friends very easily and loves to have fun. Well I have me some of my best memories with her and it's funny because as great as we get along, there are quite a few ways we are different. She goes with the flow, I like control and to know what's going on. I'm always the caretaker and responsible person, she's childlike and at times out of control. So, my point is, that's how she's know and that's how I'm known. It's totally acceptable for her to go out and get wasted and be the hit of the party and somehow find her way home. Me on the other hand! Woohoo! If I did anything like that, man would there be talk! Why is it ok for some and not others? People would say "That's Laura" or "That's how she is" and nobody would think anything more of it. If it was me, oh he'll no! There would be gossip and it would be a huge scandal! Shit, I've already been called a Hollywood diva! I take that as a compliment! I think that makes me sound like I care about my appearance. I was once told that I always dress appropriately for the occasion. Since when is that a bad thing? I actually like to look nice. I don't do it to impress anyone but I do it for me!

So to all you negative Nellies, I say get a hobby because my life really isn't interesting enough for you to care that much about.  Oh and I've learned something too. I don't give a rats ass what you think about me! I have better things to do than worry if someone likes me or what they think of me. Shit! I live in paradise, have a wonderful husband that loves me and is my best friend, beautiful kids (and grandbaby)who make me smile just by thinking about them. Yep, I am blessed!

I find it quit fascinating how some people read a post or a blog or whatever and they immediately assume it is about them. I think that may have to do more with their own insecurities or guilty feelings than anything else.  Some of my blogs or posts are vague at times but that's because they may not be about a particular person or situation.  I wrote 1 about "mulligan or uncle".  That was about something/someone far away that's been on my mind a lot since we moved here. I have come to the conclusion that some things are just out of our control. I just think its funny how people flatter themselves and think its about them when they couldn't be further off base. Like I joke with my girls, "It's not always all about you!" 

I'm not perfect nor have I ever claimed to be. I've never met anyone who is perfect either. We will all be judged someday so I will wait until then and ignore those who choose to do it themselves now. 

I am a big baby! Fine! I admit it! I cry at the drop of a hat! The kids left, I cried, Herbie caught a gecko in the house and saved us girls, I cried. we were at the marriage retreat and saw a man on crutches and I explained to Herbie that he could have been a war hero and never judge a person, and I cried. I read today that the next prime power class graduated, I cried! Lord! I'm a crying mess! I wasn't like this when I was younger! I've gotten more sentimental, more emotional about the weirdest, random shit! Menopause?! Lord I hope not yet!

I had posted how I think there is a plan for my life and it's my job to find out what that big thing is. As years go by, I am thinking that maybe it isn't 1 big thing but a bunch of little things. Here's a few examples. My kids went to a catholic elementary school. The school was having financial difficulties and decided to raise tuition, no multiple child discounts and to be paid before the school year began. Well we couldn't afford that and I didn't know many that could! Sol as president of the PTA, I called every newspaper and news reporter to cover it. In the end, they raised tuition slightly but didn't do anything else. It was nice knowing I had an interview with a new reporter and got them to change their minds. 

Now I see that the next prime power class has graduated and I'd like to wish them the best of luck and much success on their new career path. I found out because I keep in touch with the new (old :) FRG leader. I'm so glad that I got something started and the new classes ran with it to make it a wonderful support system!  Way to go ladies!

Those are 2 things that I'm proud of. The other 3 begin with the letters A,J,B. they are my <3   Actually now that I think of it, I have a lot to be proud of!

So what's better, saying uncle or mulligan? I will never apologize for who I am or what I believe in but  at what point do you just say uncle? Done?! You will never get a mulligan for some things so how do you know which is which? I can't stand being conflicted! It makes me feel like I'm questioning all that I believe in. Things like my core values and beliefs. I know I'm stubborn as hell and that's not always a bad thing but if you're not strong enough to handle it then that's not my problem. As much as I try to convince myself I don't care about things I do. It's when I get scared and feel like I have no where to go that I feel like yelling uncle. The truth is, I'm just too strong and care too much and have too much fight in me to be the 1 that calls uncle!

So we went to a marriage retreat this weekend. I tried to get out of it because of the events of last week.  I didn't want to hear the whispers and see the looks. In the end, we went, I sucked it up for the betterment of my marriage and made the best of it. I won't lie. It was tough and last weeks wounds are still fresh. I need to get closure. Like I've said and what my sweet husband added, I know I'm a good person and we don't need or want petty, vindictive, shallow people like that in our lives. If they don't want to be my friend, fuck em. I don't want that kind of friend. I'd rather have the kind of friend that supports me when I'm down. Not the kind that shoves me down further, or the kind that hasn't taken the time to truly get to know me before they start attacking my character. I want friends that want to get to know me as much as I want to get to know them. People who have good morals and a good character and treat people as they wish to be treated. People who preach forgiveness or bible verses but don't live by it are not true friends. Worst of all, someone who would attack a child's character and spread vicious, slanderous rumors about my child when they have met them 1 time and barely know more about them than their name! Who does that?!  Some things are just not forgivable. Pick on me, say what you want about me but don't EVER talk about my family!  

This blog is helping me let this go. I have wasted too much energy on people who are not worth my time. I know 1 of those people, maybe more, read this blog. I'm not sure why, but I hope they see this. The sad thing about letting it go is these people will move on to another poor victim. At least when I was the focus, some other person was being left alone. 

I'm taking back my control. If someone doesn't want to be in my life, it's their loss. I refuse to beg and I will never apologize for who I am.  I am a strong, caring, supportive, compassionate, loyal friend. If my opinions or compassionate nature rubs bothers someone, that's not my problem.  Maybe they need to look at themselves and figure out why they feel the need to be so critical of others. Maybe it's their own insecurities and doesn't have anything to do with me.   Whatever the case may be, this is it. I'm done trying and wasting my time.  It's time to be me and make me happy and if someone doesn't like me, tuff shit. I don't care!

My eyes have been opened to certain people's true colors. If you're reading this and you are only reading this because you want to be vindictive and cruel, close out of the page right now. I don't want or need you as a viewer. What I post on my blogs are my personal feelings and if someone feels they are wrong then they can just go fuck off. I don't need or want those kind of people in my life. They claim to be a friend but tell me what a shitty person they think I am and how my "friends" think so too. Again, that's not the kind of friends I want or need. If those "friends" really feel like that then they can tell me directly and unless I hear it from them, I don't believe what the self appointed spokesperson has to say. 

There are many definitions of the word "Friend"

friend

   [frend]  Show IPA

noun

1.

a person attached to another by feelings of affection orpersonal regard.

2.

a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends ofthe Boston Symphony.

3.

a person who is on good terms with another; a person who isnot hostile

The value of friendship is often the result of friends consistently demonstrating the following:

• The tendency to desire what is best for the other
• Sympathy and empathy
• Honesty, even in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth
• Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
• Enjoyment of each other's company
• Trust in one another
• Positive reciprocity — equal give-and-take between the two parties
• The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement.

I honestly believe a true friend is there for you through thick and thin. I haven't had the easiest time adjusting to this way of life and if people can't support me in the tough times as well as enjoy the good then those are not the kind of people I care to associate with. I am not a cruel person. I treat people as I would want to be treated. If someone thinks otherwise, I welcome the conversation to discuss it. I will not however, participate in a witch hunt where I have to defend myself and my character is attacked. I am a 43 yr old mother/grandmother/ wife and have no time for such nonsense. I have no interest in participating in that kind of which hunt. There is a difference in having a friendly, compassionate conversation where you ask a friend if they are OK and maybe if they are struggling, what can you do to help. Saying you are a friend and taking it upon yourself to speak for others while verbally attacking someone is not being a friend.

I was told that I am a Hollywood diva and have to have everything my way and make everything to be about me. Hmm, that person doesn't know me very well because if they did, they would know that I make it a goal to do something for someone else every day, even if it's a small thing. I don't announce it because that's not who I am. I do what I do for the people I care about because I treat people as I want to be treated. If someone doesn't like that then they can suck it.

I know my life isn't going how I want it to right now. I feel like my life and myself is always a work in progress. I don't know what I'm meant to be or do or what my legacy is supposed to be but I do feel like I get closer to figuring it out every day. If seeing people for who they really are and cutting them out of my life along the way is part of that, then so be it. I don't need them. I have always felt I am here for a reason and it is my goal to figure it out. It's like when you see someone on TV and they say to never give up on your dreams. I may not know what my dream is or my purpose but I know it's out there and I'm not going to give up until I find it. In the mean time, I need to get me back. I've been so wrapped up in making sure everyone else is taken care of that I have lost me and my spark. I need to get that back. I just have to figure out how I go about it! 

So we live on a beautiful island.  A once in a lifetime opportunity, but I'm really struggling to find my place here.  It's hard to support others when you need support yourself.  I know once I get a job, I will feel like I have a purpose again but until then, I'm just here.  Maybe when I can start contributing financially, I'll feel better about myself. I can't stand that feeling! My goals are to get a job, lose weight, get my knee strong again, finish projects, save $$ so Ashley & Izzy can come visit. I'd love to maybe take a class online but I have no idea what id take or how to go about it! It's been so long since school that I don't know if my brain will even let me learn something new! lol

I'm hoping things will get back to normal in a few weeks. I'm too set in my ways and need order in my life. If things aren't structured, my whole mojo gets thrown out of whack. Right now, I'm fighting a migraine and losing! I'm really trying to think of something good to say that's happened lately but I honestly can't! Wow, that's bad. Hmmm.......well, I did get to go to the beach today and they finished power washing the house and patio, towed the cars, and found out my knee will recover. That's honestly the best I can come up with. Like I said, it's been a rough few weeks.  I'm hoping for something better to report next time!

Some blogs are easier to write than others. If  wrote what I really wanted, I'm sure I'd piss off a lot of people. That's the same reason why I'm careful about what I post on my Facebook. So my question is, how do you say how you feel to the people you are supposed to say anything to without making them angry? I have a philosophy which is, I'd rather hear the truth and get upset than be lied too.  I will get over being angry but once I've been lied to, it's hard to recover. Some people are just easier to talk to than others. It's sad when you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around some people. I wish I knew how some people get away with being brutally honest in all aspects of their lives and they still have friends and people respect them. I wish I could be like that. Right now I feel like telling a few people to wake up! They are living in a fantasy and it's only going to get worse, not better if they don't wake up!

End rant

I have come to the conclusion that I am a horrible step mom. Ok, maybe I'm not a horrible step mom but I will admit that since my kids are grown, I'm just not used to little kids. I'm 43 and already set in my ways, lol. I like things a certain way and have very little energy to explain the way I do things and how I want things done. Most things I'd thing would be common sense but there again is where the terrible step mom comes in because my kids are grown and know how to do things for themselves & little kids don't. If I hadn't had my kids when I was young, I doubt that I would have had any at all. 

I can only imagine what my step kids think of me! Woohoo!  I bet they have some pretty sweet nicknames, lol. I know if I was my step mom I would! I don't think I ask much. Just pick up after yourself, show respect to others & other people's property, use manners and appreciate what people do for you. It's the same things I would expect from my own kids. It's especially tough to be a step parent when you only see the kids 1-2 times a year! That's not much time to build a relationship especially since kids grow so fast and their interests change. They need time with their other parent. I never dealt with the whole step parent issue until I became 1. I kinda feel bad for the kids. My kids don't have a step mom but there is someone who has assumed the role and pushed her way in and they don't like it. I will never claim my step kids as my kids. They have a mom and it's not me. I can love them and care for them but I will never try to make them think of me that way. 

It's tough to sit back and not say anything when you see that something should be handled differently. When you know from experience what works and what doesn't. It's a different perspective when they aren't your own biological children because you really can't say much. I will not hesitate to say something when someone will get hurt or hurt someone else or  damage property and I can stop it from happening. I wish I had gotten a manual, step parenting for dummies! I wonder if there is 1......

Writing a blog while I'm on pain meds probably isn't a good idea. I'm always trying to do the right thing and be politically correct all the time that I just don't care right now.  


It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. Becky came home and is struggling with her new school and new life here. Of course that adds to my guilt and feelings of being a selfish parent. I wonder if that will ever go away? I think that is a big part of my problem. Maybe I can't truly be happy because of the guilt I feel for uprooting her from her life and everyone she knows and the only life she knew. I think about it every day and just don't know how to get past it. It's been 3 years and I still feel guilty. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Don't I deserve to be happy? How do I get past this feeling that I sacrificed my kids happiness for my own? I wish I had a sign. 


I also hurt my knee running. Of course with the island way of thinking and their island time of everything moving and working at a snails pace, I still don't know what's wrong with it. I do know it hurts and I'm so tired of sitting around and not being able to enjoy anything! I want to run again. I need to lose about 20 lbs and this isn't helping! When I'm sitting around feeling fat and sorry for myself, I think of all the things I could be doing. I see my "friends" posts of the things that they are doing and the fun they are having and I think to myself, none of those people have yet to ask me to hang out. I haven't had a single evening out with girlfriends. My phone rarely rings and I rarely get texts. I know how Becky feels. It sucks being the new girl. I need to get a job, lose weight, make a few friends, get a plan for what I want for my life but I need to fix my knee 1st!  Wow am I pathetic! https://www.facebook.com/janet.smithhamel?ref=tn_tnmn

I like to think of every day as a fresh start. A day for a new experience or to learn something new. It seems as though I've done a lot of that lately. I wish some of those lessons didn't suck. I am really trying to get myself back in shape so I started running again. That didn't last long because I hurt my knee. I was just finding my pace and learning to control my breathing and now this! It seems like every time I start to think of myself then bam, everyone else's issues and needs are more important.  I feel like I'm made to feel guilty for thinking about myself first once in a while. 


I treat people as I want to be treated and that is the same philosophy I have when I do something. Do it right the 1st time and you won't have to do it again. Don't do things half assed and do the same quality work for others as you would yourself! I don't ask of others what I'm not willing to do myself. 


I know I'm getting old and set in my ways but is it wrong to like things done a certain way? Yes, I am particular when it comes to thing like loading the dishwasher but that's only because I have learned from experience and trial and error that it works best when done a certain way. I'm not being a control freak and I don't like hearing myself repeat shit 50 gazillion times! 


I'm just feeling like the black sheep lately. I need a job to get out of the house and feel like I have a purpose in life again instead of just being everyone's maid. My hope is to get a job 3-4 days or nights a week and have the others in the family pick up the slack. Yep, I know I'm dreaming but without a dream there is no hope!!

So I have a couple things on my mind. 1st is that we just got back from my plastic surgery consult.  The Dr. said I don't have enough skin for a full tummy tuck but he could do a mini. The problem with a mini is that he's not sure if my belly button will be in the right place and the incision will be higher and therefor visible. Oh and it's about $5,500 which I'd have to pay up front.  GAHHH! I wish it would have been better news because my flabby tummy has always made me so self conscious. I can't stand it!! Now not only do I have to lose 20-30 lbs to be at my ideal weight for my height but I will always have this fucked up stomach!! My kids have no idea what they put my body through!! I have always put my kids 1st in everything but when I think of something for myself, I feel guilty! I think about braces, legal fees, 2nd. car. and all the other crap and none of it is directly for me. Is it so wrong to ask for something for me and just me? 

My next issue that is plaguing me is when people as questions but don't really want to know the answer. They are just asking it to be polite like when someone says "Hi, how are you?" I don't consider that simply a greeting but an actual question. I've always been a very black and white person. I am also a very honest person. If you ask me a question, I will tell you like it is. That has gotten me in to trouble on quite a few occasions. If you don't really want to know then don't ask because you may not like the answer. Oh, and if you don't like the answer, that's kinda your own fault cuz you asked!

I guess there is 1 other thing that I've been thinking about and that's procrastinating. I have been guilty of this in the past but I think I've gotten much better about it. When I see others doing it though it drives me nuts especially when it's something that I know is going to be worse if ignored and it's going to directly affect me!! In that case, it basically becomes my problem and I have to figure it out when the problem could have been avoided or minimized if dealt with immediately!

I swear the next blog will be something positive! I promise!! :)

I started to write about the difference in men's and women's brains and then I read this and had to switch gears!! This is a quote from my daughter's boyfriend. He is a leach who has no job and contributes nothing constructive to their relationship. He has wormed his way in and expects Ashley to provide for him on the minimal salary she makes, which takes away from what she could be providing for her child.  He babysit's my granddaughter but I personally don't trust him and wouldn't let him watch my dog. I think about him and my blood boils and I immediately feel sick. Here is his latest rant about me....

I've always been liked by my girlfriends' mothers... But this one: NOPE! And for no reason at all.. Shouldnt've expected much from a money grubbin, child-controlling, everything'sgottabemywayorelseI'mnothappy, succubus.. Oh well. Couldn't be helped.  Everything happens for a reason though. I'm not here for that judgmental little lady. I'm here for Ashiie Niicole 

Now it has become a war. I'm not asking to be chosen over someone who she is in a relationship with but for her to make wiser choices about who she chooses to have relationships with! Since this, I am not forever cut out of her and my granddaughters life.  I have been called immature, bipolar, crazy, nuts, psycho and of course bitch. Wow! If I would have ever spoken to my mother that way, you can bet I'd be missing teeth!! I don't care how old someone is, that is just not acceptable!

So once again, she expects me to bow down and kiss her ass and ya know, I just won't do it. I won't be bullied by my own child!! I'm sick of it! I'm going to have enough to deal with when Becky gets back tomorrow. New house, bad attitude are going to suck! I've been told she is dreading coming. Who wouldn't LOVE to live here? Oh ya, that's right! A moody teenage girl that has to live by rules and be a responsible, respectful person or deal with the consequences!! My bad! All I can do is pray for the best. Some things are out of my hands and I keep reminding myself, We are only in control of our reactions to other people's actions" and we teach people how to treat us. I wish I would have learned the latter sooner in life. maybe then some people wouldn't think it was ok to treat me like shit and walk all over me!

On a good note, because I'm trying to calm down and not get worked up even more, today is my sweetie's birthday!! Right now he's busy playing his new Madden X Box game. I think I might take the dog for a walk before I sweep and wash the floors. We get the area rug and wine rack tomorrow so I want it ready to go! So excited about that!!