Always learning.....even at my age!

So I took some "me" time. I'm not a young girl any more and I'm ok with that. I like learning new things and meeting new people. You never know who you will meet or what you will learn and I'm always up for a new adventure. I must admit I owe a lot to my husband. He has given me the opportunity to break free from the "fish bowl" and experience what real life is like. Now I laugh and appreciate things differently. I've been able to step back and see things from a different perspective. What I thought was important takes up much less energy in the grand scheme of things. My priorities have shifted. I owe that to my husband. He has opened my eyes to a world I never imagined existed. It's a beautiful place. When you feel so overwhelmed and insignificant...just stop, breathe and look at the bigger picture. We are only a speck in the beautiful picture. Make the most of your life. Let the world see how beautiful your colors can be. Love who and what you are. If you do, others will too!

Believe it or not....

I do actually keep a lot to myself. My life isn't an open book. If it was, I'm sure I'd have more people pissed off at me on a regular basis. I have learned that I can control what I say and my reactions to other people's actions. The rest is out of my hands. It's getting close to my moms birthday and I haven't spoken to her since Grams funeral. I can honestly say that I've tried. She is so afraid of my brother and what he'd do to her if she had any contact with me. I've tried to help but she doesn't want it. So that's that.

Then there is our life in paradise. I do love living here but as with every positive, there is a negative. I didn't expect to have to go to the dr and have a hunk of skin cut out of my back because it looks suspicious. Now I have to go back and have "surgery" and have more taken off. Just lovely! I hate the cold snowy winters but the warm tropical paradise will kill me! Seems like I can't win! 

Then of course there is work. My job is a job. It's not a career in any way. It helps pay bills but is not a challenge to me (except driving to and from). I'm the crazy lady in the blue Pontiac yelling "Jesus put your foot on the f:($-@& gas and drive!" I ask myself every day, "Why." Then of course the answer is "Because I'm and adult and this is what big people do!" Rick is lucky. He could ride his bike to work and be there in 10 minutes. Speaking of....I think his job frustrates me as much as mine does! I see things from a different perspective of course but I can't help feel like Missiori was a big fat waste of time! I see other soldiers go on missions and doing things and taking classes and getting certified for this of that while someone seems to get overlooked. I see wives post about their husbands are here and there but nothing here. I've tried to be supportive and patient during all the late nights of studying. Also the tests and finals every week. What were they for? To pull weeds? No I don't see all he does day to day but I do see what he's not doing and the opportunities which are not offered. How can I not get frustrated? I have an investment too.  

I have my up days and my down days....this is a down day and those are usually the days I piss people off. Sorry if one of those is you. 

So what's normal?

So what's normal? Does anyone really know? Is there such a thing? I think I'm pretty normal, as far as my definition goes. I work hard. I like nice things. I like nice people who treat me with kindness and respect which I return. I love my husband who loves me. We are each others best friends. Do we have a perfect relationship? No, but I don't know anyone that does. Do things piss me off? Hell ya they piss me off. My husbands job does. My job does. My kids do. My mom and brothers do. Bills do.. Traffic does. Ya shit pisses me off but that's all a part of life and its my normal. It doesn't make me a bad person, no. It makes me human. We have to miss our class reunion this year which really pisses me off but I will get over it. Shit happens. We didn't get to spend our anniversary how we wanted because the Army needed my husband. I was pissed but had to remind myself that at least we were together. I'm finally pulling it together. It gets lonely, sure but with my crazy hours at work (and driving to and from) I have a lot of time to reflect and appreciate all the positive in my life and all that I'm blessed to have. It's our time. Time to have fun and enjoy us! I really look forward to my weekends now! Sunday is my fun day and my favorite day of the week! I just wish it didn't only happen once a week!

Being the mom I wished I had

From the time I was a young girl, I remember thinking that someday I'd be the kind of mom to my little girl that I'd always wished I had. Well, I've been a mom for over 23 years and I'd say for the most part, I've done that. The downside is that my girls aren't me so that isn't necessarily what they want or need in a mom. I've tried to stress to them both how important communication is. It took me a long time to realize it myself and I was trying to save them some of the heartache. I guess that's all part of growing up though. Letting them make their own mistakes so they can learn from them. I've always been a doting, hands on, I'll do it so it gets done right and you can watch. I've realized that hasn't always worked. My girls aren't babies anymore. 1 is actually a mom herself and I think maybe she's learning some of the same lessons I did when I was in her position. I just wish it wasn't so difficult finding that balance between being a good parent and being their friend. Someone they can confide in. I will always be a parent first. I am still learning to be a friend. Being a parent isn't easy and they must have run out of manuals because I didn't get mine. It may be to late for me and my mom but its not too late for me and my girls. 

I'd rather hear bad news then the good news plz

I often find myself wrestling with how much is too much or too personal to put in my blog. I don't do it to see how many people read it. I do it as a release for my own personal thoughts and feelings. I don't think I'm alone when I say some days are better than others and I seem to struggle more with the latter. (which is when I tend to blog more). I'm not writing this to solicit advice or opinions, constructive or otherwise. This is something I can selfishly say is mine and its all about me and my feelings.  

If someone says to me, "I've got good news and I've got bad news, which would you like to hear first?" I always say bad, that way the good can cheer me up. That's how my day went today. I called my mom since I hadn't spoken to her in over a week and she said Gram isn't doing well and the nurses are taking care of her. I asked where gram is and she said in the hospital. I asked when did she go in and she said a few days ago. Then I found out that gram had been in a nursing home for about a month! WTF??!! Nobody even bothered to tell me! She has horrible bed sores that Jim is blaming on the hospital but I think they are from him. I'm really struggling here. Do I find a way to go see her now before she's gone or wait until after? 93 is a long life but she didn't deserve to live the way she did the last few years and I can't stop thinking I could have helped. I did the best I could but was it enough? Will I ever know? I was told that I try to find a way to blame myself. Ya, I do. That's because I'm a control freak with OCD. I don't give up until I get things right and when I can't, I've failed so yep, I've failed. Others are absolutely to blame but I should have done more. I now make it my vow to not make the same mistake again. My mom will not suffer at my brothers hands like my grandma did. I promise. 

Now to the positive but it has a twist. I finally got a text from the mgr at the hotel. He asked when I can start and said he's looking forward to having me on board. Shit! What am I supposed to do? I wasn't there for my gram so how could I miss her funeral when she does leave us? I need my job but I need to say good bye. I guess I'll be taking a trip into talk to my new boss and see what he says. 

Dance in the rain while you can!

Sayings like "It's all a part of life" "Savor or cherish every moment" "Live every moment to the fullest" are great sentiments especially when you actually take the time to do it. I have always been the responsible person throughout my life. I've had to grow up at a young age which meant I feel like I missed out on spontanous things in life. I don't want to live with the "what if's" in live or the coulda, woulda, shoulda's. It's easier said than done though but that's my goal. 

I just heard a classmate and friend from school died. She had a heart attack at 43.  Last week Rick told me that a soldiers mom died from cancer. She was 41. I also recently found out that a former coworker died and he was in his 30's. Wow is all I can say. I'm feeling kinda numb just trying to let it sink in. I am 44. My dad had just turned 47 when he died. All these people are way to close to my age. It's just not right and to be honest scares the crap out of me. It's a big wake up call for me. It's time I dance in the rain, stop and smell the flowers, enjoy the sunshine on my face and more of the little things that each day brings. I've had the pleasure to know a few people who can roll with the tides and just go with it whatever the situation may be and they have some of the best memories in life.

1 of my goals for this year is to send random notes and cards to friends and family. I've already sent a few. I hope they bring a smile to the faces of those that receive them. Now it's time for me to work on doing all those things I listed above and I am going to start by having a drink in memory of my friend Jean Kenny Fadenholz. She was always kind to me and even though I hadn't seen her in a few years, I know if I would have, she would have given me a big hug and we would have shared a laugh about something silly. Rest in Peace sweet lady. Thanks for being my friend.

No closer today than when I started

I was thinking about the title of my blog today. I don't think I'm any closer to figuring out the answer today than I was after I wrote my first blog. As a matter of fact, I may be more confused. Who am I? I know I'm a mom, wife, grandma, daughter and on and on that way but besides those things, what do I have to show for my life? I feel like I'm loosing myself more and more every day. My life is all about doing for everyone else but nobody has ever been all about doing for me. I know if I got a job, maybe I'd feel like I was worth something again instead of just feeling like I'm the housekeeper, cook, chauffeur and personal shopper. I apply for jobs every day, nothing. That has kicked my self esteem that's for sure. I watch everyone else doing their own thing, marching to the beat of their own drums and I'm just on the sidelines,observing.  If you can imagine a couple of kids turning a jump rope and one kid in the middle and I want to join in but I don't know when to take that first jump. I'm 44 and I feel like if I don't do something with my life now, it will be too late and I may never do it! I want something to be proud of besides my kids. Something that I can take total credit for. I felt so good about myself when I had my job and made enough $ to support me and Becky. I still did all the same housework and all that I do now but it felt good knowing that I did it.  The power was on because I paid the bill. I've lost that sense of value and self worth. I miss that so much and need to get it back. 

I don't hate anyone but I do STRONGLY DISLIKE a few!

When 2 people get divorced, it's sad but when 2 people get divorced and they have kids, it's horrible! Many of us have been through it and have moved on to find their happily ever after. Blended families work when communication is open and all parties are motivated to look out for the best interest of the kids 1st and foremost!! Keeping conversations between the parents and not involving the kids, or using them as pawns is 1 of the things that should be at the top of the list. Supporting your children and following the support agreement is another. It just kills me when the parent that contributes $0 towards raising a child but is seen as a saint because of the lies they tell. Just pay what you agree to and keep your opinions to yourself. The kids don't need to know you can't stand each other. They just need to know they are loved by both parents.

I see things from 2 different perspectives. I see it from my side as a mom who doesn't receive the support from the ex like is court ordered. Everything is paid for by my husband while he is paying support for his own 2 children!! I can't find a job so it's all on his shoulders and that's just not fair!! Just because you can make a baby, that doesn't make you a parent. If you support your child and do everything in your power to be a good parent, you deserve credit! I'm just so tired of always doing the right thing, taking the high road, being the bigger person and getting no credit!! I have been told to just wait, the kids will see who the good parent is. They will come back when they grow up and see through all the lies. It just sucks that in the mean time, braces need to be paid for, clothes get worn out and outgrown, glasses need to be replaced and all the things kids need as they grow. Memories can't be made when lies and vengeance come before the best interest of the children. Exes are exes for a reason but the children shouldn't have to pay for adults mistakes. I won't say I hate my ex because I don't hate anyone. I feel that when you hate someone, it kills a little bit of the good inside of you. Let's just say I have extremely strong negative feelings towards both our exes!!