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Friday, June 8, 2018

We all have demons, even "celebrities".

It happens...it's sad. Every single person I've met in my life has problems. We handle them differently. Some people bitch and moan, some drink, smoke, do drugs. Some go to a counselor. There is not a generic cure or answer for everyone. Some people deal better than others but no one, I mean no one has it together 24/7. Some people fake it better than others and those people are usually the "strong" ones. The people who seem to be the most "together or with it or in control". That's how I have been described all my life. I've been the "good one". Compared to my brothers, HELL YA I'm the good one lol. (we will save that for another post). I'm lucky, blessed, whatever you want to call it. I have an amazing husband and a handful of people that care about me. People that call or text to check on me and I can call for help at a moments notice. 

With that being said, I have been doing a lot of thinking today about the 2 recent "celebrity" suicides. From the outside, they looked like they had everything. Sometimes everything isn't everything. Everything is relative and looks different to different people. It's all perspective. Not many people know a little fact about me. It's not a secret because I don't have a problem talking about it, I just choose not to. I tried to commit suicide when I was 17. I thought that was my only option. When I look back, I shake my head and think how stupid I was. I remember it so clearly. Taking a handful of my dads heart meds, going into school, feeling my heart start to race, telling a classmate what I had done and then she told a teacher who called an ambulance. The ride to the hospital and them giving me charcoal to puke. The worst part of it all was seeing my dad cry as he stood next to me. Before I had taken those pills, I only thought of myself. Selfish. That's what I was. 

I am so thankful every day for my life, even if it isn't on the beach in HI (haha). All the bullshit, nonsense and stupid crap. I look at my phone and the pictures or the Facebook page that sometimes makes me crazy. My kids wouldn't be here, so many things. I'm at the point in my life that the thought of death scares the shit out of me. Just knowing I won't be around to kiss my husband or hold my babies or watch my dogs run around the yard or feel sand between my toes...yes, the list goes on and on. I don't have it all together. I get lonely when I'm home alone all week. I am so glad for those few people that call and text to check on me or ask to hang out. (thanks guys)

Life is tough and if someone tries to tell you otherwise, ask what their secret is. People say don't sweat the small stuff, that's true. I say the small stuff is what we need to cherish as much as the big stuff. I wish all the people that don't feel their will be a better tomorrow could see a peak at what it could be. I'm living, breathing proof that it can be so much better.

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