Monday, October 29, 2012

Do we want it sugar coated, watered down or full flavored?

It seems like people say they want to hear the truth but they really just want a sugar coated, watered down version of it. What's the difference between the truth and a personal opinion? The truth can be sincere without being cruel but it also depends on the intent of the person delivering it. I've had people tell me that they are "telling me the truth for my own good"  wtf is that because where and how I grew up wasn't like that. Being nasty to someone for their own good was just being mean. My problem is I tend to avoid saying anything (believe it or not) because I'm not good at sugar coating things but I don't want to hurt people's feelings.  I think a lot of people feel that way. Communication isn't easy when we are all speaking a different language.  It's sad because I have found myself even censoring  what I say in this blog because I don't want to offend anyone or get into a confrontation with people who may take something I say personally. I started my blog as a kind of therapy. A way to express how I'm feeling. I've been asked to delete parts of my posts because it was too honest and someone didn't like how it made them look. I've gotten nasty emails when a blog hadn't been in reference to anyone in particular. So, if you read this and can't handle the truth, or my opinion on my blog, don't read it. If you want to disagree with me and my opinion, please keep it to yourself because this is my blog, not yours. Get your own blog where you can post your own sugar coated, watered down version of your truth. I promise not to comment or subscribe!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

To blog or not to blog??

People write blogs for different reasons. I write mine as a release, an outlet for how I'm feeling. I've had people get mad at me for things I've said in my blogs and insist I delete parts of posts. Of course I did which now I think about it, I'm disappointed in myself for it.  That's like saying what I posted wasn't how I felt and didn't happen. I've cowered and bent for people and given in when I don't want to because I was trying to look out for everyone and in the process, I've disappointed myself. I'm so sick of people's double standards. They can say what they want but I can only say what they want and if I don't then they think I should apologize. NO! I will not anymore. Right now I am so pissed but I'm even leery of saying anything, even on my own blog! Some things are personal and they hurt like hell but its out of my hands. It just breaks my heart that people can act so insensitive and cruel especially when they use what they know will hurt me the most. My heart is so sad that I didn't get to see someone while we are in Ohio. It just makes me realize that it doesn't matter where we live because people know how to hurt each other where it hurts the most. I've been praying for years for a few to see the light and wake up but it hasn't happened yet. Too many years wasted, memories not made and hugs and kisses not given or received. How long do I keep holding on to hope? 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Times sure have changed!

I can't help thinking about how different things were when I was growing up. We were on a need to know basis with our parents. They decided what we needed to know and we didn't question that. There were no conversations about money i.e. bills, pay checks, household expenses or anything at all what so ever about household finances. I had no idea how much my dad made and I still don't. I just know he went to work, got paid on Fridays, went to the bank and put cash in an envelope with the bills on the top shelf in the cupboard with the glasses. I had no idea how much the mortgage was or how much the electricity bill was. When we needed a new washer and dryer, they bought it. I have no idea if they had credit cards or if they paid cash. It wasn't my business. I had a nice home with my own room, clothes and food. My necisssities were taken care of. Kids today act like they have a right to know everything that goes on in their parents house. I disagree. I still believe in the need to know theory. 

Then we get to the respect factor. Maybe I'm just an old fuddy duddy but I believe kids absolutely should respect their parents. We earned it when they were born. I think the idea that parents need to earn their kids respect is a bunch of crap. Maybe part of the respect for my parents came from the fact that there was fear there too. If I did this then my parents would do this and that was enough to scare me into not doing it. If I even rolled my eyes or talked back, SMACK! They sure let me have it. Now kids scream abuse! Now I'm not saying its ok to beat the shit out of your kids but a smack when needed didn't hurt me. I turned out fine and respect my parents more for it. I would have never told my parents or any other adult to shut up or spoken in a disrespectful tone or I would have been eating my own teeth!
(not really eating my teeth but it wouldn't have been pretty!) When I was told to do something or my parents yelled my name because they wanted me for something, I would have never thought to say "why or hang on"! We just didn't do it and we especially didn't question every decision our parents made!

I just wish we could get back some of the old values. Kids did what they were told and when they messed up, there were consequences for their actions. They learned from their mistakes. They appreciated what they had, no matter how little and for the most part, made the best of things. Maybe that sounds a little June Cleaver'ish but maybe if we got back to being real and letting parents and adults do our jobs, kids would turn out a bit different. 

I've always told my kids they had 2 main rules....#1-Be a kid. You're only a kid for a tiny bit so enjoy it and leave the big stuff to us adults, it's our job! #2-communication! Without communication, being a kid is nearly impossible. Tell us what the problem is so we can do our jobs as adults and they can be the kids. They both go together. I don't think you can have 1 without the other. It just sucks when kids feel like they need to grow up too fast and miss out on being a child. I sure wish I could go back to being a kid. 

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Reality check

Here I go again.  Thinking too much. Maybe it's my Scorpio nature, I have no idea. No wonder I haven't been able to sleep lately. I have a lot on my mind. Nothing compared to what our Ohio family is going through. As much as I love my life here, it's times like this that I wish I was back there. Just knowing that I could get in the car and be at someone's house in 10-15 minutes instead of 12-15 hours. We may be taking that long trip back soon. I wish it was under better circumstances. Saying goodbye to a love one is never easy but knowing we can be there together as a family to support each other is important. My heart hurts for what they are going through and I wish I could say something to help ease their pain. 

It's times like this that get me thinking about all we take for granted. I have been making some changes in my life, cutting out drama and excess b.s.  My relationship with my husband/BFF gets better and stronger every day. Just when I thought I knew all there was to know about him, he surprises me with something I had no idea about :) As with any relationship, marriage takes work and commitment. Nothing in life worth having comes free. My relationship with my kids is a work in progress. My relationship with friends is a work in progress. There are always bumps in the road but you don't throw away a relationship because of a bump. You fix it. (Both sides).  If not, make sure to always remember everything happens for a reason. 

I've heard from a few parents recently that most military kids that pcs here hate it. That is sad and confusing to me! I understand being upset about leaving friends and family behind but why wouldn't anyone want to try to make the best of it? We live on a beautiful island that most people dream of visiting once in their lifetime! These kids are only asked to make the best of it and appreciate the wonderful opportunities given to them. I can't stand ungrateful, unappreciative, entitled people. Life is too f'n short! This is just a small little blip in the big picture! Life is a precious gift and shouldn't be taken for granted, not a single moment of it! 

My grandma is going to be 93 years old on October 27th! I love my gram dearly. She's a little Hungarian woman. She has dementia but always recognizes my voice when I call. I can't wait to see her. She's lived a long full life and I need to make sure her final days are as peaceful as possible. She deserves that and if that means kickin some asses, I guess that's what I'm going to have to do. Once that's done, I will get back to focusing on me. Get my stuff taken care of, heal up then get a job! 1 day at a time while taking nothing for granted and taking a moment to enjoy the view and smell the flowers. 

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Ramblings of the sleep deprived.

Today is 1 of those days when it seems I can do nothing right. Lord knows I try but today just sucks. I try to do right by 1 person and it pisses off another. Why is it the people who act the shittiest and treat others like shit are treated like royal but the people who do right by everyone get treated like shit. People's priorities are so fucked up. I'd love to put all of them on a boat and ship them off to a deserted island where they can all treat each other like shit and leave the rest of us alone! End rant. 

Breathing deeply. I've been thinking a lot about getting my stuff in order. Organizing my life. As much as I don't like to think about it, ya never know. I don't want to leave those I love with a mess to sort through. It wouldn't be fair. I guess my "girly issues & procedure" have gotten me thinking about things I wouldn't normally think about. My dad was 2 yrs older than I am now when he was diagnosed with cancer. I saw what my mom went through and still goes through and it breaks my heart. If anything ever happened to me, I'd want everything in order. My husband and kids shouldn't have to do it. 

My father in law isn't doing well and it breaks my heart to think of it. I hadn't had the chance to know him long but I did learn a few things from him. 1 particularly is that he is always thanking my mother in law for all she does and tells her how much he loves her. He always thanks her for dinner and all the little things. I like that and I like the fact that it rubbed off on my husband. He appreciates all that I do for him and for our family. It's going to be tough until I get a job but I can't until after my surgery. I put in 6 applications today. I hope 1 pans out. It just pisses me off that someone can come in and completely turn our lives upside down. I have to make at least $1,000 a month to make up for the new $900 bill each month. There goes any chance I had of getting a jeep! Oh! Plus the fact that I need about $5,000 in dental work that I've put off doesn't help. Just when I think we are ok, BAM! Something else comes along and takes a big old bite and messes us all up! I just need my dad or someone to smile down on me/ us and help make some of this mess better. I just need a sign it will get better.