Friday, June 8, 2018

We all have demons, even "celebrities".

It's sad. Every single person I've met in my life has problems. We handle them differently. Some people bitch and moan, some drink, smoke, do drugs. Some go to a counselor. There is not a generic cure or answer for everyone. Some people deal better than others but no one, I mean no one has it together 24/7. Some people fake it better than others and those people are usually the "strong" ones. The people who seem to be the most "together or with it or in control". That's how I have been described all my life. I've been the "good one". Compared to my brothers, HELL YA I'm the good one lol. (we will save that for another post). I'm lucky, blessed, whatever you want to call it. I have an amazing husband and a handful of people that care about me. People that call or text to check on me and I can call for help at a moments notice. 

With that being said, I have been doing a lot of thinking today about the 2 recent "celebrity" suicides. From the outside, they looked like they had everything. Sometimes everything isn't everything. Everything is relative and looks different to different people. It's all perspective. Not many people know a little fact about me. It's not a secret because I don't have a problem talking about it, I just choose not to. I tried to commit suicide when I was 17. I thought that was my only option. When I look back, I shake my head and think how stupid I was. I remember it so clearly. Taking a handful of my dads heart meds, going into school, feeling my heart start to race, telling a classmate what I had done and then she told a teacher who called an ambulance. The ride to the hospital and them giving me charcoal to puke. The worst part of it all was seeing my dad cry as he stood next to me. Before I had taken those pills, I only thought of myself. Selfish. That's what I was. 

I am so thankful every day for my life, even if it isn't on the beach in HI (haha). All the bullshit, nonsense and stupid crap. I look at my phone and the pictures or the Facebook page that sometimes makes me crazy. My kids wouldn't be here, so many things. I'm at the point in my life that the thought of death scares the shit out of me. Just knowing I won't be around to kiss my husband or hold my babies or watch my dogs run around the yard or feel sand between my toes...yes, the list goes on and on. I don't have it all together. I get lonely when I'm home alone all week. I am so glad for those few people that call and text to check on me or ask to hang out. (thanks guys)

Life is tough and if someone tries to tell you otherwise, ask what their secret is. People say don't sweat the small stuff, that's true. I say the small stuff is what we need to cherish as much as the big stuff. I wish all the people that don't feel their will be a better tomorrow could see a peak at what it could be. I'm living, breathing proof that it can be so much better.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Struggling with the "F" word

I've really been struggling lately with the "F" word....Faith. It's rapidly waining. People have made promises but few follow through. Giving people too much credit, being gullible, giving too many chances, yep, I'm guilty. I guess I was raised to believe your word is your bond. 

your word is your bond. old-fashioned or formal. If some one's word is their bond, they always keep a promise: "But listen, you have to promise never to tell anyone." "My word is my bond."

I am really struggling with turning 50 this year, more than any other. I wish all the people that say "It's only a number" had a clue of what that saying means to me. I have outlived my dad, and that alone shakes me. I feel like I'm in a huge race to do and see and experience as much as possible but I'm hitting roadblocks and obstacles wherever I go. I wish I didn't care, but I do.  I know I'm a strong person but even strong people have their breaking point. I'm trying control and filter what I post on social media..I guess I'll just keep chugging away at the book I've been writing.  I pray so hard that some people in it get their shit together sooner rather than later or this book will keep getting longer and longer! (you know who you are)

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

A work in progress

It's been quite a while since I added to my blog. I read something on my Facebook "on this day" that got me thinking. It was a post from last year with the song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles.

I'm sure that song has different meanings for people but to me it means standing up for yourself. Speak up especially when no one else will. When I was growing up, I really didn't have that. I was shy, awkward and that meant I was an easy target to be bullied and picked on. I didn't know what bullying was back then. We just thought kids were being mean. I wish I had someone to stand up for me back then. I will never forget being chased home from Redwood and getting knocked down in the snow and having someone hold my face down in it. 

Now that I am an adult, I try to avoid confrontation. I don't like when people are mean and nasty. When people are like that towards me, I hide inside myself. Almost like a crab hiding in its shell. People know what means the most to me and that's my family and those that I love. For the most part, I am outgoing, energetic and love to help others. Some days are definitely easier than others. I know I will always have a bit of that shy, awkward little girl inside who wants to be brave when someone uses my weaknesses to hurt me. 

Please be kind to each other. Please think about how someone else could be feeling. You never know what kind of day or week or even childhood someone has had. They could be dealing with personal issues that you don't know of and a kind or hurtful word could make a big impact.  You can be honest and still be kind. Being "Brave" takes some of us longer than others. I'm almost 50 and still working on it.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Ramblings of a Scorpio...

I realized it's been quite a while since I posted on my blog. I've been pretty busy with school and family and the house and dogs and cat (not so much the cat lol). There always seems to be something that needs to be done. Finishing school is at the top of my priority list. I need to finish so I can get on with my life.  Also there will be an addition to our family! I will be a Nana again in June. My baby Beckaboo aka dramateen, is having her own baby!! It will be nice to be done with school so I can help her out! As far as school goes, I'm not sure what direction I want to take my career except for the fact that I want to give back. I want to do something to help someone not just feel pretty but good about themselves when they don't have much to feel good about. I'm hoping maybe hospice or children or a nursing home. I have been offered an opportunity to take a class at a salon for wigs for kids! The class is November 13, 14 which is kinda cool since the 14th is my birthday! I'm actually looking forward to this which is funny to me because I am so over school and can't wait to finish!!

Rick is doing great! We are very blessed and lucky that he has made a fantastic recovery! Life is so much sweeter when you realize what there is to lose and how close you come to losing it! There are so many people not as fortunate as us. I have outlived my dad, still miss him every day, and haven't spoken to my mom since Gram died. I can honestly say I have tried. It was suggested that I write her another note just simple and short. I didn't get a reply which doesn't surprise me.

So I guess in closing, life is good. I have a good life with people who love me. (quality not quantity) and I'm living life as best I can, 1 day at a time.

Friday, January 1, 2016

A year to remember- 2015

The year 2015 has brought so much to my life, good and bad. Each year is the chance for a new, fresh start. This year is no different. When I reflect upon my past year, I can’t help but think about certain moments. Rick being so sick and almost loosing him. I will forever have those feelings of dread when he says “I’m just not feeling well” We don’t argue as much even though his socks on the floor by the bed and him leaving the shaving cream out, still drives me nuts. I would be lost if I never got to see that again. He is my best friend and an incredible partner who I'd be lost without.

I don’t want to focus on the sad things like realizing friendships aren’t what I thought they were or people who have hurt me. I need to remember that all those sad or hurtful moments were life lessons. I am not perfect myself but I always have good intentions.

Last year also gave us much to be thankful for. Our dream home was built and we got to move in! Rick’s health slowly improved, I went on a fantastic vacation to Key West, we adopted our insane puppy Ollie, my beautiful girl Becky is back home, I began my education towards my dream job and Rick is healthy again!! Oh wait! I said that 2 times lol.

My goals this year are pretty simple. We will be going someplace warm with sand after this winter ends, a new patio and hopefully a pool for our yard, do some work inside the house, not worry about what people say about me because they aren’t my true friends. learn.  I need to appreciate amazing people in my life and not be so focused on not worrying about if others don't like me. (I do have some incredible friends) I have accepted the fact that some people, family included just don't want to be a part of my life and that hurts but it's their choice, not mine. I need to learn as much as I can at school so I can graduate and be successful in my new career. It does amaze me how we start the year with the best intentions but slowly distance ourselves from the goals. My main goal is for those I love and care about, family and friends, to be healthy, happy and loved. I am so blessed to live the life I live and I will appreciate every day, good and bad. 

Happy New Year 2016!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Rick update 6-16-15

It's been a while since I posted an update so here goes. 

We have been back and forth between the Cleveland Clinic main campus downtown and the VA in Lorain and Parma. Most of his pancreatitis issues are still being monitored by his Surgeon Dr. Walsh. I know we have been very frustrated in the past but the more digging into the disease I have done, I realize how lucky we are. Rick's dr is actually 1 of the best there is. Rick is very lucky to be alive. It has been a long, exhausting and draining recovery. I finally think we see light at the end of the tunnel. 

Rick has had about 8 drains so far. He has had them upsized, downsized, replaced due to being pulled out by accident and repositioned. He has had filters for blood clots, stent in his stomach. We have been so lucky that none of these things or the many surgeries and procedures haven't led to any deathly infections. I have managed to keep the drains clear and clean. I have no idea how since I am not in the medical field lol. I guess it was my overprotective scorpio personal to protect Rick and my pure stubbornness to do it the best way possible! 

So anyways...we are finally down to just 1 drain!! They downsized it today to a tiny drain tube with no bulb so it's minimum care. I asked how long that will be in and the Dr. said it was up to me. That made me chuckle. He said I need to keep track of how much is draining. This tube is smaller and will allow the track 
to close up and not leave such a huge hole. So, the next step is removing the filters and stent! We have come a long way because on Thursday.....He will be going back to work!! OMG! It will only be for a few hours but that is HUGE!! I 
can't help but pray things continue to look up. I'm trying to stay positive because being sad and depressed is exhausting lol. It's time to get on with our lives and have some fun!!! 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

In sickness and in health....

Feeling helpless while someone you love is sick and in pain is a horrible feeling, especially being the control freak that I am. I have prayed, others have prayed and we continue to. I watch the man that I love deal with health issues for months now. It seems like he takes 1 step forward and 2 back. It's back and forth to the Dr's and hospitals for tests and procedures. There are so many teams of Dr's that it's so hard to keep them all straight. Missed work, missed visits with kids, cancelled plans, no energy, lost weight, blood work, tests and meds. I have to be strong because this isn't about me. This is about a vow I made to my best friend. In sickness and health. I just wish I knew what the "plan" was because I have no idea. Is it to make us stronger? There has to be a reason we are going through this. I just wish I knew what it was.