Thursday, January 17, 2013
No closer today than when I started
I was thinking about the title of my blog today. I don't think I'm any closer to figuring out the answer today than I was after I wrote my first blog. As a matter of fact, I may be more confused. Who am I? I know I'm a mom, wife, grandma, daughter and on and on that way but besides those things, what do I have to show for my life? I feel like I'm loosing myself more and more every day. My life is all about doing for everyone else but nobody has ever been all about doing for me. I know if I got a job, maybe I'd feel like I was worth something again instead of just feeling like I'm the housekeeper, cook, chauffeur and personal shopper. I apply for jobs every day, nothing. That has kicked my self esteem that's for sure. I watch everyone else doing their own thing, marching to the beat of their own drums and I'm just on the sidelines,observing. If you can imagine a couple of kids turning a jump rope and one kid in the middle and I want to join in but I don't know when to take that first jump. I'm 44 and I feel like if I don't do something with my life now, it will be too late and I may never do it! I want something to be proud of besides my kids. Something that I can take total credit for. I felt so good about myself when I had my job and made enough $ to support me and Becky. I still did all the same housework and all that I do now but it felt good knowing that I did it. The power was on because I paid the bill. I've lost that sense of value and self worth. I miss that so much and need to get it back.