Thursday, February 21, 2013

I'd rather hear bad news then the good news plz

I often find myself wrestling with how much is too much or too personal to put in my blog. I don't do it to see how many people read it. I do it as a release for my own personal thoughts and feelings. I don't think I'm alone when I say some days are better than others and I seem to struggle more with the latter. (which is when I tend to blog more). I'm not writing this to solicit advice or opinions, constructive or otherwise. This is something I can selfishly say is mine and its all about me and my feelings.  

If someone says to me, "I've got good news and I've got bad news, which would you like to hear first?" I always say bad, that way the good can cheer me up. That's how my day went today. I called my mom since I hadn't spoken to her in over a week and she said Gram isn't doing well and the nurses are taking care of her. I asked where gram is and she said in the hospital. I asked when did she go in and she said a few days ago. Then I found out that gram had been in a nursing home for about a month! WTF??!! Nobody even bothered to tell me! She has horrible bed sores that Jim is blaming on the hospital but I think they are from him. I'm really struggling here. Do I find a way to go see her now before she's gone or wait until after? 93 is a long life but she didn't deserve to live the way she did the last few years and I can't stop thinking I could have helped. I did the best I could but was it enough? Will I ever know? I was told that I try to find a way to blame myself. Ya, I do. That's because I'm a control freak with OCD. I don't give up until I get things right and when I can't, I've failed so yep, I've failed. Others are absolutely to blame but I should have done more. I now make it my vow to not make the same mistake again. My mom will not suffer at my brothers hands like my grandma did. I promise. 

Now to the positive but it has a twist. I finally got a text from the mgr at the hotel. He asked when I can start and said he's looking forward to having me on board. Shit! What am I supposed to do? I wasn't there for my gram so how could I miss her funeral when she does leave us? I need my job but I need to say good bye. I guess I'll be taking a trip into talk to my new boss and see what he says. 

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