Strong isn't always a good thing!

I was always told I was a strong person. I even took pride in that fact In kind of cocky way at times to be quite honest. Unfortunately, reality sneaks in and shows you how vulnerable and mortal you actually are when you do need someone and they aren't there for you because you've been so "strong" all those years. Well to tell the truth, a lot of those times it was an act. I did what I had to do because I had to do it. Because I had people relying on me. Isn't that life? We do the best we can with what we have to work with in the time we have to do it? But I'm tired of always being the strong 1 for everyone. I give up. I was told by someone who should always be on my side , "you don't need me like the others do because you're stronger than they are". Well I'm done being that person. I'm tired and just can't do it any more. I do for others all the time and expect nothing in return and get nothing in return. I do what I do because I like to, not because I have to. I'm just done so if you need something, find someone else to ask because I'm busy....

Another soldier lost but will we ever know why?

Yesterday's shooting at Fort Hood was another tragedy. It is horrible and I feel for all the families involved. I can only imagine how that can shake your sense of security. It will take years for those people to ever get past it and some may never be able to. 

I've been a military spouse for almost 5 years which is not very long. I learn new things every day, good and bad. Lately there seems to be more bad than good. The military is reducing the number of soldiers by the thousands and they are doing it by any means they can. Men and women who thought they were going to have a career in a branch or the military are being forced out and onto the unemployment line. Soldiers who have fought for their country and suffered in combat, some wounded, being tossed aside all because of the bottom line. Now don't get me wrong, some of the dead beats that are getting canned do need to go, like the idiots with multiple dui's, or guys that beat their wives and kids or have arrest warrants or don't pay child support and so on. Cut them loose. I'm sure there are plenty of others that would just be happy to get out on there own! I just don't think our military or government is doing enough to help our soldiers adjust to life after they are told to take their boots off. I have read some of the news reports and about the soldier who opened fire at Fort Hood. Yes it's early and nothing is certain yet except he was a soldier and he and others are dead and injured. Will we ever really find out what went wrong? I honestly doubt it. He most likely slipped through the cracks somewhere. Even the best NCO has an off day especially when they are put under so much pressure because troops are stretched thin. Some NCO's are only out for what looks good for themselves. (I'm so glad I'm not married to 1 of those!:) I actually asked why we don't hear about this kind of thing happening more often just last week and was told that it looks bad. ((blank stare)) Our country needs to do more to help these soldiers before more of this happens. 

Always learning.....even at my age!

So I took some "me" time. I'm not a young girl any more and I'm ok with that. I like learning new things and meeting new people. You never know who you will meet or what you will learn and I'm always up for a new adventure. I must admit I owe a lot to my husband. He has given me the opportunity to break free from the "fish bowl" and experience what real life is like. Now I laugh and appreciate things differently. I've been able to step back and see things from a different perspective. What I thought was important takes up much less energy in the grand scheme of things. My priorities have shifted. I owe that to my husband. He has opened my eyes to a world I never imagined existed. It's a beautiful place. When you feel so overwhelmed and insignificant...just stop, breathe and look at the bigger picture. We are only a speck in the beautiful picture. Make the most of your life. Let the world see how beautiful your colors can be. Love who and what you are. If you do, others will too!

Believe it or not....

I do actually keep a lot to myself. My life isn't an open book. If it was, I'm sure I'd have more people pissed off at me on a regular basis. I have learned that I can control what I say and my reactions to other people's actions. The rest is out of my hands. It's getting close to my moms birthday and I haven't spoken to her since Grams funeral. I can honestly say that I've tried. She is so afraid of my brother and what he'd do to her if she had any contact with me. I've tried to help but she doesn't want it. So that's that.

Then there is our life in paradise. I do love living here but as with every positive, there is a negative. I didn't expect to have to go to the dr and have a hunk of skin cut out of my back because it looks suspicious. Now I have to go back and have "surgery" and have more taken off. Just lovely! I hate the cold snowy winters but the warm tropical paradise will kill me! Seems like I can't win! 

Then of course there is work. My job is a job. It's not a career in any way. It helps pay bills but is not a challenge to me (except driving to and from). I'm the crazy lady in the blue Pontiac yelling "Jesus put your foot on the f:($-@& gas and drive!" I ask myself every day, "Why." Then of course the answer is "Because I'm and adult and this is what big people do!" Rick is lucky. He could ride his bike to work and be there in 10 minutes. Speaking of....I think his job frustrates me as much as mine does! I see things from a different perspective of course but I can't help feel like Missiori was a big fat waste of time! I see other soldiers go on missions and doing things and taking classes and getting certified for this of that while someone seems to get overlooked. I see wives post about their husbands are here and there but nothing here. I've tried to be supportive and patient during all the late nights of studying. Also the tests and finals every week. What were they for? To pull weeds? No I don't see all he does day to day but I do see what he's not doing and the opportunities which are not offered. How can I not get frustrated? I have an investment too.  

I have my up days and my down days....this is a down day and those are usually the days I piss people off. Sorry if one of those is you. 

So what's normal?

So what's normal? Does anyone really know? Is there such a thing? I think I'm pretty normal, as far as my definition goes. I work hard. I like nice things. I like nice people who treat me with kindness and respect which I return. I love my husband who loves me. We are each others best friends. Do we have a perfect relationship? No, but I don't know anyone that does. Do things piss me off? Hell ya they piss me off. My husbands job does. My job does. My kids do. My mom and brothers do. Bills do.. Traffic does. Ya shit pisses me off but that's all a part of life and its my normal. It doesn't make me a bad person, no. It makes me human. We have to miss our class reunion this year which really pisses me off but I will get over it. Shit happens. We didn't get to spend our anniversary how we wanted because the Army needed my husband. I was pissed but had to remind myself that at least we were together. I'm finally pulling it together. It gets lonely, sure but with my crazy hours at work (and driving to and from) I have a lot of time to reflect and appreciate all the positive in my life and all that I'm blessed to have. It's our time. Time to have fun and enjoy us! I really look forward to my weekends now! Sunday is my fun day and my favorite day of the week! I just wish it didn't only happen once a week!

Being the mom I wished I had

From the time I was a young girl, I remember thinking that someday I'd be the kind of mom to my little girl that I'd always wished I had. Well, I've been a mom for over 23 years and I'd say for the most part, I've done that. The downside is that my girls aren't me so that isn't necessarily what they want or need in a mom. I've tried to stress to them both how important communication is. It took me a long time to realize it myself and I was trying to save them some of the heartache. I guess that's all part of growing up though. Letting them make their own mistakes so they can learn from them. I've always been a doting, hands on, I'll do it so it gets done right and you can watch. I've realized that hasn't always worked. My girls aren't babies anymore. 1 is actually a mom herself and I think maybe she's learning some of the same lessons I did when I was in her position. I just wish it wasn't so difficult finding that balance between being a good parent and being their friend. Someone they can confide in. I will always be a parent first. I am still learning to be a friend. Being a parent isn't easy and they must have run out of manuals because I didn't get mine. It may be to late for me and my mom but its not too late for me and my girls. 

I'd rather hear bad news then the good news plz

I often find myself wrestling with how much is too much or too personal to put in my blog. I don't do it to see how many people read it. I do it as a release for my own personal thoughts and feelings. I don't think I'm alone when I say some days are better than others and I seem to struggle more with the latter. (which is when I tend to blog more). I'm not writing this to solicit advice or opinions, constructive or otherwise. This is something I can selfishly say is mine and its all about me and my feelings.  

If someone says to me, "I've got good news and I've got bad news, which would you like to hear first?" I always say bad, that way the good can cheer me up. That's how my day went today. I called my mom since I hadn't spoken to her in over a week and she said Gram isn't doing well and the nurses are taking care of her. I asked where gram is and she said in the hospital. I asked when did she go in and she said a few days ago. Then I found out that gram had been in a nursing home for about a month! WTF??!! Nobody even bothered to tell me! She has horrible bed sores that Jim is blaming on the hospital but I think they are from him. I'm really struggling here. Do I find a way to go see her now before she's gone or wait until after? 93 is a long life but she didn't deserve to live the way she did the last few years and I can't stop thinking I could have helped. I did the best I could but was it enough? Will I ever know? I was told that I try to find a way to blame myself. Ya, I do. That's because I'm a control freak with OCD. I don't give up until I get things right and when I can't, I've failed so yep, I've failed. Others are absolutely to blame but I should have done more. I now make it my vow to not make the same mistake again. My mom will not suffer at my brothers hands like my grandma did. I promise. 

Now to the positive but it has a twist. I finally got a text from the mgr at the hotel. He asked when I can start and said he's looking forward to having me on board. Shit! What am I supposed to do? I wasn't there for my gram so how could I miss her funeral when she does leave us? I need my job but I need to say good bye. I guess I'll be taking a trip into talk to my new boss and see what he says.