Dance in the rain while you can!

Sayings like "It's all a part of life" "Savor or cherish every moment" "Live every moment to the fullest" are great sentiments especially when you actually take the time to do it. I have always been the responsible person throughout my life. I've had to grow up at a young age which meant I feel like I missed out on spontanous things in life. I don't want to live with the "what if's" in live or the coulda, woulda, shoulda's. It's easier said than done though but that's my goal. 

I just heard a classmate and friend from school died. She had a heart attack at 43.  Last week Rick told me that a soldiers mom died from cancer. She was 41. I also recently found out that a former coworker died and he was in his 30's. Wow is all I can say. I'm feeling kinda numb just trying to let it sink in. I am 44. My dad had just turned 47 when he died. All these people are way to close to my age. It's just not right and to be honest scares the crap out of me. It's a big wake up call for me. It's time I dance in the rain, stop and smell the flowers, enjoy the sunshine on my face and more of the little things that each day brings. I've had the pleasure to know a few people who can roll with the tides and just go with it whatever the situation may be and they have some of the best memories in life.

1 of my goals for this year is to send random notes and cards to friends and family. I've already sent a few. I hope they bring a smile to the faces of those that receive them. Now it's time for me to work on doing all those things I listed above and I am going to start by having a drink in memory of my friend Jean Kenny Fadenholz. She was always kind to me and even though I hadn't seen her in a few years, I know if I would have, she would have given me a big hug and we would have shared a laugh about something silly. Rest in Peace sweet lady. Thanks for being my friend.

No closer today than when I started

I was thinking about the title of my blog today. I don't think I'm any closer to figuring out the answer today than I was after I wrote my first blog. As a matter of fact, I may be more confused. Who am I? I know I'm a mom, wife, grandma, daughter and on and on that way but besides those things, what do I have to show for my life? I feel like I'm loosing myself more and more every day. My life is all about doing for everyone else but nobody has ever been all about doing for me. I know if I got a job, maybe I'd feel like I was worth something again instead of just feeling like I'm the housekeeper, cook, chauffeur and personal shopper. I apply for jobs every day, nothing. That has kicked my self esteem that's for sure. I watch everyone else doing their own thing, marching to the beat of their own drums and I'm just on the sidelines,observing.  If you can imagine a couple of kids turning a jump rope and one kid in the middle and I want to join in but I don't know when to take that first jump. I'm 44 and I feel like if I don't do something with my life now, it will be too late and I may never do it! I want something to be proud of besides my kids. Something that I can take total credit for. I felt so good about myself when I had my job and made enough $ to support me and Becky. I still did all the same housework and all that I do now but it felt good knowing that I did it.  The power was on because I paid the bill. I've lost that sense of value and self worth. I miss that so much and need to get it back. 

I don't hate anyone but I do STRONGLY DISLIKE a few!

When 2 people get divorced, it's sad but when 2 people get divorced and they have kids, it's horrible! Many of us have been through it and have moved on to find their happily ever after. Blended families work when communication is open and all parties are motivated to look out for the best interest of the kids 1st and foremost!! Keeping conversations between the parents and not involving the kids, or using them as pawns is 1 of the things that should be at the top of the list. Supporting your children and following the support agreement is another. It just kills me when the parent that contributes $0 towards raising a child but is seen as a saint because of the lies they tell. Just pay what you agree to and keep your opinions to yourself. The kids don't need to know you can't stand each other. They just need to know they are loved by both parents.

I see things from 2 different perspectives. I see it from my side as a mom who doesn't receive the support from the ex like is court ordered. Everything is paid for by my husband while he is paying support for his own 2 children!! I can't find a job so it's all on his shoulders and that's just not fair!! Just because you can make a baby, that doesn't make you a parent. If you support your child and do everything in your power to be a good parent, you deserve credit! I'm just so tired of always doing the right thing, taking the high road, being the bigger person and getting no credit!! I have been told to just wait, the kids will see who the good parent is. They will come back when they grow up and see through all the lies. It just sucks that in the mean time, braces need to be paid for, clothes get worn out and outgrown, glasses need to be replaced and all the things kids need as they grow. Memories can't be made when lies and vengeance come before the best interest of the children. Exes are exes for a reason but the children shouldn't have to pay for adults mistakes. I won't say I hate my ex because I don't hate anyone. I feel that when you hate someone, it kills a little bit of the good inside of you. Let's just say I have extremely strong negative feelings towards both our exes!!

Wishin they could fill my shoes!

I'm really really trying to stay positive and not let people or certain situations bring me down. My family and real friends know who I am so there is no problem there. My problem is when I see someone impersonating me! Someone trying to act like a mom to my kids and grandmother to my beautiful grand daughter! I've had 3 kids- 
Ashley Nicole Kaspar DOB 3-2-90  8# 14oz 
Jordan Douglas Kaspar DOB  8-7-92  9# 2oz
Rebecca Lee Kaspar  DOB 3-27-96  8#6 oz

(I have the scars and stretch marks to prove it!)

Isabelle Marie Rose Kaspar is the daughter of my oldest child and therefore a part of me! I don't get to see them as much as I'd like but that's not unusual, especially in a military family. It doesn't mean that I don't miss them like hell or love them any less. I just resent when someone barges their way in and tries to act like they are entitled to the privileges I have earned as a mom/grandma. My family means everything to me and just because I'm not physically with them doesn't mean I've vacated my position! Nobody will ever love them like their momma no matter how hard they try! (and they will never love anyone like they do their momma either!) I may also not be married to their father anymore and we may not agree on many things but 1 thing that will never change is our love for our kids. The bond with my children can never be broken. My blood runs through their veins and they will always be a part of my life. I will always be proud to be their mom, no matter where our lives take us. No amount of weaseling to try to fit in can change that. I love my kids and I'm proud to be called their mom/grandma because I earned it! 

A little something about me

I'd like to think I grew up in your average family. I had a dad who worked hard at his job at Chevy. He had his priorities straight which were supporting his family first. My mom stayed home and took care of us kids and the house. There were 4 kids, 2 boys, a girl (me) and another boy. We had a nice house, cars and all the normal things in a middle class American home. My parent didn't drink, they rarely fought especially not in front of us kids, we got spanked and were taught  by example right from wrong. I'd like to think I am who I am today mostly to them. I am proud of how I was raised and wish more kids could grow up in the kind of family I did. The 3 boys I mentioned earlier? Well, they must have been adopted or dropped off by aliens because they are nothing like me or my parents. Lets just say I'm embarrassed to say we are related. They have none of the qualities or values our parents worked so hard to instill in each of us. 

My dads been gone for years. Today would actually be his 70th. birthday. Crazy to imagine! He will forever be frozen in my memories as my 47 year old daddy. I just know things would be so different if he was still with us today. My brothers wouldn't have leached off my mom like they have. Mom wouldn't be the heartbroken shell of a woman that she is today. Oh what I'd give if he could've seen his grandchildren/great grandchild!  I was lucky even if I only had him for half my life. 

Happy birthday daddy. I still love and miss you dearly

Love, 
Your little girl

Wake up and see what's right in front of you!

This time of year always gets me sentimental of years and people in my past. My family and friends that are gone or living somewhere else. I feel like I have lived so many lives so far. I went from my parents house, then I was married to Doug, then we got divorced then I was on my own now I am married to Rick and living in paradise. The ink on the divorce papers has been dry for 6 years and I have moved on and I'm pretty happy with my life. I do miss people from that chapter but that chapter is closed. Some people have a hard time moving on and letting go. I have learned to appreciate the people in my life right here, right now. The people I miss will be there when I get back. Those relationships are strong enough for me not to worry about. I am having a hard time understanding how someone could be supportive and do everything for another person and they just don't see it. They are so focused on what they don't have that what's right in front of them is taken for granted. It's better to appreciate what you have than feel sad about what you don't. Things change in the blink of an eye, usually when your least expecting it. I understand we all want what we don't have but a lot of the times when we get it, it's not usually what we expected. Don't take anything for granted because time goes by too quickly and you can't get it back.

Always my best

I do my best in all that I do. No matter what it is and who it's for. I realize everyone isn't like that, which is fine. I realize I tend to go overboard at times which I don't intend to do, it just happens. I don't think that's always a bad thing. Someone recently told me that people don't do unselfish things for people. There is always an ulterior motive, making ourselves feel good for doing it. I was quite taken aback by this and it's been stuck in the back of my mind. Is it true? I certainly didn't cradle my neighbors sweet puppy as it died from getting hit by a car for my own selfish feel good moment. I just did it like a lot of other things I just do.