Emotional dreamer.....

I talked to a dear friend who I miss very much today. She told me a story of a family she knows. The father and son went camping and the father fell 300 feet down a cliff/mountain where he layed injured while his 9 year old son searched 2 miles for help. They returned and the father had died.  While listening to her tell the story,no couldn't help but cry. I've never met this family, hadn't heard of them and didn't hear of the story on the news but it still made me cry and touched me. I said before that I think I've gotten more emotional as I've gotten older. It's been a few hours since my friend told me the story and I still keep gettin teary. Every life has meaning and value. What that value is is what we make of it and it is no one else's  right to tell us what they think it should be.

Becky started her new job today, yep, I cried. My baby is growing up and I am so proud of her but at the same time it makes me sad. I have always told my kids their 2 rules are, 1- be a kid, 2- communicate. They are only a kid for a little while so enjoy it and communicate so if there is a problem and they can't figure it out, tell me so I can and they can enjoy being a kid as long as possible. Well Becky came home after work and said exactly what I thought she would "I'm beat!" poor kid, and that's what she still is! I think after just 1 shift, she sees a little of what I meant by the 2 rules. It's just too bad that it might be too late.

Now comes me, I'm setting goals, which I'm fantastic at doing. It's just getting motivated to start them and see it through that I suck at! Give me something to plan or organize, bam! You got it! But have me do something for me, not so much. My 2 major goals, get a job (career) and 2, tone, tighten and get in shape while losing 20-25 lbs.  it would be for me, no one else.  The only other time I have been this size, I was preggo and I'm definitely not now! (snip snip) I just can't take it anymore and I'm sick of hearing myself bitch but don't know how to get myself motivated again! I miss Meaghan, my work out buddy!  I'm glad my knee is better but don't want to hurt it again either. I wish I could afford a personal trainer that could make me a diet plan, meal by meal and an exact daily workout plan so I could see immediate results. Yep, I'm a dreamer.......in my dream, I'm a perfect size 4, toned, tan, loving my career.........hey! It's my dream so I can make it however I want :)

Negative Nellies can........

I started my blog as a way to express myself without being judged. Wow was I kidding myself so basically I'm damned for what I say and bummed for not saying what I want. I'm at the point now where if you read my blog and don't like something I have to say, that's your problem not mine.  I'm so tired of people thinking I should be a certain way and if I don't conform by my actions or words then I am some kind of evil monster. So from now on, if you don't like it, fuck you. You don't have to read it. Nobody is forcing you and if you read it to find something to talk about because you don't have a life of your own, you are pathetic. I know I am a good person with a good heart. I've been told that I come across a bit strong at times, well tuff shit. It's who I am and if I'm not hurting anyone or myself, why should it matter.  It kinda goes back to a few blogs ago when  I talked about double standards. I have a dear friend who is a kind hearted, loving, fun, vivacious woman. She is very free spirited and goes with the flow. Makes friends very easily and loves to have fun. Well I have me some of my best memories with her and it's funny because as great as we get along, there are quite a few ways we are different. She goes with the flow, I like control and to know what's going on. I'm always the caretaker and responsible person, she's childlike and at times out of control. So, my point is, that's how she's know and that's how I'm known. It's totally acceptable for her to go out and get wasted and be the hit of the party and somehow find her way home. Me on the other hand! Woohoo! If I did anything like that, man would there be talk! Why is it ok for some and not others? People would say "That's Laura" or "That's how she is" and nobody would think anything more of it. If it was me, oh he'll no! There would be gossip and it would be a huge scandal! Shit, I've already been called a Hollywood diva! I take that as a compliment! I think that makes me sound like I care about my appearance. I was once told that I always dress appropriately for the occasion. Since when is that a bad thing? I actually like to look nice. I don't do it to impress anyone but I do it for me!

So to all you negative Nellies, I say get a hobby because my life really isn't interesting enough for you to care that much about.  Oh and I've learned something too. I don't give a rats ass what you think about me! I have better things to do than worry if someone likes me or what they think of me. Shit! I live in paradise, have a wonderful husband that loves me and is my best friend, beautiful kids (and grandbaby)who make me smile just by thinking about them. Yep, I am blessed!

I find it quit fascinating how some people read a post or a blog or whatever and they immediately assume it is about them. I think that may have to do more with their own insecurities or guilty feelings than anything else.  Some of my blogs or posts are vague at times but that's because they may not be about a particular person or situation.  I wrote 1 about "mulligan or uncle".  That was about something/someone far away that's been on my mind a lot since we moved here. I have come to the conclusion that some things are just out of our control. I just think its funny how people flatter themselves and think its about them when they couldn't be further off base. Like I joke with my girls, "It's not always all about you!" 

I'm not perfect nor have I ever claimed to be. I've never met anyone who is perfect either. We will all be judged someday so I will wait until then and ignore those who choose to do it themselves now. 

I am a big baby! Fine! I admit it! I cry at the drop of a hat! The kids left, I cried, Herbie caught a gecko in the house and saved us girls, I cried. we were at the marriage retreat and saw a man on crutches and I explained to Herbie that he could have been a war hero and never judge a person, and I cried. I read today that the next prime power class graduated, I cried! Lord! I'm a crying mess! I wasn't like this when I was younger! I've gotten more sentimental, more emotional about the weirdest, random shit! Menopause?! Lord I hope not yet!

I had posted how I think there is a plan for my life and it's my job to find out what that big thing is. As years go by, I am thinking that maybe it isn't 1 big thing but a bunch of little things. Here's a few examples. My kids went to a catholic elementary school. The school was having financial difficulties and decided to raise tuition, no multiple child discounts and to be paid before the school year began. Well we couldn't afford that and I didn't know many that could! Sol as president of the PTA, I called every newspaper and news reporter to cover it. In the end, they raised tuition slightly but didn't do anything else. It was nice knowing I had an interview with a new reporter and got them to change their minds. 

Now I see that the next prime power class has graduated and I'd like to wish them the best of luck and much success on their new career path. I found out because I keep in touch with the new (old :) FRG leader. I'm so glad that I got something started and the new classes ran with it to make it a wonderful support system!  Way to go ladies!

Those are 2 things that I'm proud of. The other 3 begin with the letters A,J,B. they are my <3   Actually now that I think of it, I have a lot to be proud of!

So what's better, saying uncle or mulligan? I will never apologize for who I am or what I believe in but  at what point do you just say uncle? Done?! You will never get a mulligan for some things so how do you know which is which? I can't stand being conflicted! It makes me feel like I'm questioning all that I believe in. Things like my core values and beliefs. I know I'm stubborn as hell and that's not always a bad thing but if you're not strong enough to handle it then that's not my problem. As much as I try to convince myself I don't care about things I do. It's when I get scared and feel like I have no where to go that I feel like yelling uncle. The truth is, I'm just too strong and care too much and have too much fight in me to be the 1 that calls uncle!

So we went to a marriage retreat this weekend. I tried to get out of it because of the events of last week.  I didn't want to hear the whispers and see the looks. In the end, we went, I sucked it up for the betterment of my marriage and made the best of it. I won't lie. It was tough and last weeks wounds are still fresh. I need to get closure. Like I've said and what my sweet husband added, I know I'm a good person and we don't need or want petty, vindictive, shallow people like that in our lives. If they don't want to be my friend, fuck em. I don't want that kind of friend. I'd rather have the kind of friend that supports me when I'm down. Not the kind that shoves me down further, or the kind that hasn't taken the time to truly get to know me before they start attacking my character. I want friends that want to get to know me as much as I want to get to know them. People who have good morals and a good character and treat people as they wish to be treated. People who preach forgiveness or bible verses but don't live by it are not true friends. Worst of all, someone who would attack a child's character and spread vicious, slanderous rumors about my child when they have met them 1 time and barely know more about them than their name! Who does that?!  Some things are just not forgivable. Pick on me, say what you want about me but don't EVER talk about my family!  

This blog is helping me let this go. I have wasted too much energy on people who are not worth my time. I know 1 of those people, maybe more, read this blog. I'm not sure why, but I hope they see this. The sad thing about letting it go is these people will move on to another poor victim. At least when I was the focus, some other person was being left alone. 

I'm taking back my control. If someone doesn't want to be in my life, it's their loss. I refuse to beg and I will never apologize for who I am.  I am a strong, caring, supportive, compassionate, loyal friend. If my opinions or compassionate nature rubs bothers someone, that's not my problem.  Maybe they need to look at themselves and figure out why they feel the need to be so critical of others. Maybe it's their own insecurities and doesn't have anything to do with me.   Whatever the case may be, this is it. I'm done trying and wasting my time.  It's time to be me and make me happy and if someone doesn't like me, tuff shit. I don't care!

My eyes have been opened to certain people's true colors. If you're reading this and you are only reading this because you want to be vindictive and cruel, close out of the page right now. I don't want or need you as a viewer. What I post on my blogs are my personal feelings and if someone feels they are wrong then they can just go fuck off. I don't need or want those kind of people in my life. They claim to be a friend but tell me what a shitty person they think I am and how my "friends" think so too. Again, that's not the kind of friends I want or need. If those "friends" really feel like that then they can tell me directly and unless I hear it from them, I don't believe what the self appointed spokesperson has to say. 

There are many definitions of the word "Friend"

friend

   [frend]  Show IPA

noun

1.

a person attached to another by feelings of affection orpersonal regard.

2.

a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends ofthe Boston Symphony.

3.

a person who is on good terms with another; a person who isnot hostile

The value of friendship is often the result of friends consistently demonstrating the following:

• The tendency to desire what is best for the other
• Sympathy and empathy
• Honesty, even in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth
• Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
• Enjoyment of each other's company
• Trust in one another
• Positive reciprocity — equal give-and-take between the two parties
• The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement.

I honestly believe a true friend is there for you through thick and thin. I haven't had the easiest time adjusting to this way of life and if people can't support me in the tough times as well as enjoy the good then those are not the kind of people I care to associate with. I am not a cruel person. I treat people as I would want to be treated. If someone thinks otherwise, I welcome the conversation to discuss it. I will not however, participate in a witch hunt where I have to defend myself and my character is attacked. I am a 43 yr old mother/grandmother/ wife and have no time for such nonsense. I have no interest in participating in that kind of which hunt. There is a difference in having a friendly, compassionate conversation where you ask a friend if they are OK and maybe if they are struggling, what can you do to help. Saying you are a friend and taking it upon yourself to speak for others while verbally attacking someone is not being a friend.

I was told that I am a Hollywood diva and have to have everything my way and make everything to be about me. Hmm, that person doesn't know me very well because if they did, they would know that I make it a goal to do something for someone else every day, even if it's a small thing. I don't announce it because that's not who I am. I do what I do for the people I care about because I treat people as I want to be treated. If someone doesn't like that then they can suck it.

I know my life isn't going how I want it to right now. I feel like my life and myself is always a work in progress. I don't know what I'm meant to be or do or what my legacy is supposed to be but I do feel like I get closer to figuring it out every day. If seeing people for who they really are and cutting them out of my life along the way is part of that, then so be it. I don't need them. I have always felt I am here for a reason and it is my goal to figure it out. It's like when you see someone on TV and they say to never give up on your dreams. I may not know what my dream is or my purpose but I know it's out there and I'm not going to give up until I find it. In the mean time, I need to get me back. I've been so wrapped up in making sure everyone else is taken care of that I have lost me and my spark. I need to get that back. I just have to figure out how I go about it! 

So we live on a beautiful island.  A once in a lifetime opportunity, but I'm really struggling to find my place here.  It's hard to support others when you need support yourself.  I know once I get a job, I will feel like I have a purpose again but until then, I'm just here.  Maybe when I can start contributing financially, I'll feel better about myself. I can't stand that feeling! My goals are to get a job, lose weight, get my knee strong again, finish projects, save $$ so Ashley & Izzy can come visit. I'd love to maybe take a class online but I have no idea what id take or how to go about it! It's been so long since school that I don't know if my brain will even let me learn something new! lol

I'm hoping things will get back to normal in a few weeks. I'm too set in my ways and need order in my life. If things aren't structured, my whole mojo gets thrown out of whack. Right now, I'm fighting a migraine and losing! I'm really trying to think of something good to say that's happened lately but I honestly can't! Wow, that's bad. Hmmm.......well, I did get to go to the beach today and they finished power washing the house and patio, towed the cars, and found out my knee will recover. That's honestly the best I can come up with. Like I said, it's been a rough few weeks.  I'm hoping for something better to report next time!

Some blogs are easier to write than others. If  wrote what I really wanted, I'm sure I'd piss off a lot of people. That's the same reason why I'm careful about what I post on my Facebook. So my question is, how do you say how you feel to the people you are supposed to say anything to without making them angry? I have a philosophy which is, I'd rather hear the truth and get upset than be lied too.  I will get over being angry but once I've been lied to, it's hard to recover. Some people are just easier to talk to than others. It's sad when you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around some people. I wish I knew how some people get away with being brutally honest in all aspects of their lives and they still have friends and people respect them. I wish I could be like that. Right now I feel like telling a few people to wake up! They are living in a fantasy and it's only going to get worse, not better if they don't wake up!

End rant

I have come to the conclusion that I am a horrible step mom. Ok, maybe I'm not a horrible step mom but I will admit that since my kids are grown, I'm just not used to little kids. I'm 43 and already set in my ways, lol. I like things a certain way and have very little energy to explain the way I do things and how I want things done. Most things I'd thing would be common sense but there again is where the terrible step mom comes in because my kids are grown and know how to do things for themselves & little kids don't. If I hadn't had my kids when I was young, I doubt that I would have had any at all. 

I can only imagine what my step kids think of me! Woohoo!  I bet they have some pretty sweet nicknames, lol. I know if I was my step mom I would! I don't think I ask much. Just pick up after yourself, show respect to others & other people's property, use manners and appreciate what people do for you. It's the same things I would expect from my own kids. It's especially tough to be a step parent when you only see the kids 1-2 times a year! That's not much time to build a relationship especially since kids grow so fast and their interests change. They need time with their other parent. I never dealt with the whole step parent issue until I became 1. I kinda feel bad for the kids. My kids don't have a step mom but there is someone who has assumed the role and pushed her way in and they don't like it. I will never claim my step kids as my kids. They have a mom and it's not me. I can love them and care for them but I will never try to make them think of me that way. 

It's tough to sit back and not say anything when you see that something should be handled differently. When you know from experience what works and what doesn't. It's a different perspective when they aren't your own biological children because you really can't say much. I will not hesitate to say something when someone will get hurt or hurt someone else or  damage property and I can stop it from happening. I wish I had gotten a manual, step parenting for dummies! I wonder if there is 1......

Writing a blog while I'm on pain meds probably isn't a good idea. I'm always trying to do the right thing and be politically correct all the time that I just don't care right now.  


It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. Becky came home and is struggling with her new school and new life here. Of course that adds to my guilt and feelings of being a selfish parent. I wonder if that will ever go away? I think that is a big part of my problem. Maybe I can't truly be happy because of the guilt I feel for uprooting her from her life and everyone she knows and the only life she knew. I think about it every day and just don't know how to get past it. It's been 3 years and I still feel guilty. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Don't I deserve to be happy? How do I get past this feeling that I sacrificed my kids happiness for my own? I wish I had a sign. 


I also hurt my knee running. Of course with the island way of thinking and their island time of everything moving and working at a snails pace, I still don't know what's wrong with it. I do know it hurts and I'm so tired of sitting around and not being able to enjoy anything! I want to run again. I need to lose about 20 lbs and this isn't helping! When I'm sitting around feeling fat and sorry for myself, I think of all the things I could be doing. I see my "friends" posts of the things that they are doing and the fun they are having and I think to myself, none of those people have yet to ask me to hang out. I haven't had a single evening out with girlfriends. My phone rarely rings and I rarely get texts. I know how Becky feels. It sucks being the new girl. I need to get a job, lose weight, make a few friends, get a plan for what I want for my life but I need to fix my knee 1st!  Wow am I pathetic! https://www.facebook.com/janet.smithhamel?ref=tn_tnmn