Friday, August 3, 2012

Writing a blog while I'm on pain meds probably isn't a good idea. I'm always trying to do the right thing and be politically correct all the time that I just don't care right now.  

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. Becky came home and is struggling with her new school and new life here. Of course that adds to my guilt and feelings of being a selfish parent. I wonder if that will ever go away? I think that is a big part of my problem. Maybe I can't truly be happy because of the guilt I feel for uprooting her from her life and everyone she knows and the only life she knew. I think about it every day and just don't know how to get past it. It's been 3 years and I still feel guilty. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Don't I deserve to be happy? How do I get past this feeling that I sacrificed my kids happiness for my own? I wish I had a sign. 

I also hurt my knee running. Of course with the island way of thinking and their island time of everything moving and working at a snails pace, I still don't know what's wrong with it. I do know it hurts and I'm so tired of sitting around and not being able to enjoy anything! I want to run again. I need to lose about 20 lbs and this isn't helping! When I'm sitting around feeling fat and sorry for myself, I think of all the things I could be doing. I see my "friends" posts of the things that they are doing and the fun they are having and I think to myself, none of those people have yet to ask me to hang out. I haven't had a single evening out with girlfriends. My phone rarely rings and I rarely get texts. I know how Becky feels. It sucks being the new girl. I need to get a job, lose weight, make a few friends, get a plan for what I want for my life but I need to fix my knee 1st!  Wow am I pathetic!

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